


Silver In Fall

by fmpwolf462



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: A Sprinkle of Domestic Bliss, Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Blowjobs, Canonical Character Death, Choking, Coffee Addict, Comedy, Drinking, Drowning, Edging, Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit consent is my kink, First Time Sex, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I promise no one will die in this fic, Insomnia, Keith is 21, Keith’s shack, Kink Exploration, Kosmo is bestest boy, Light BDSM, M/M, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Over-working, PTSD, Plot With Porn, Post Season 7, Praise Kink, Rimming, Self-Medicating, Sharing Clothes, Shiro coming to terms with his past death, Shiro is about 27 at the start of this, Shiro needs a nap, Size Kink, The dark stuff/horror is in his nightmares, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Workaholic, an attempt at comedy, bottom!Keith, hover bike rides, no beta we die like writers, past death, top!Shiro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-03 06:08:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15813003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fmpwolf462/pseuds/fmpwolf462
Summary: Shiro’s overworked and suffering. Keith convinces him to take a vacation. A little alcohol helps speed their relationship along. Then they’re left to their own devices to navigate Shiro’s PTSD, sex, and everything else. Thankfully, they have amazing friends.A self indulgent fic where Shiro gets the love and rest he deserves while coming to terms with his shortcomings and showering love on a certain hot headed paladin. Mainly 3rd person.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Edit (9/6/18): I don’t even know what to say, just, thank you guys. This story hit 100 kudos last night and it’s on its way to 1500 views and I’m just- blown away. This is the first work I’ve posted that has gotten this much love and I’m so humbled by that. Thank you for reading, and I hope I can live up to your expectations for the next chapters to be! <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry no smut this chapter, but don’t worry, we’ll get there XD
> 
> Warning: Keith throws up.

Takashi Shirogane’s new role as impromptu captain of the IGF-Atlas made his day to day life extremely busy. Not to mention he was an extreme workaholic, so long hours turned into even longer ones when something needed to be done. Settling concerns of allies within the Voltron Coalition took about forty percent of his time, as he had become the spokesperson for Earth and alien relations. In his opinion, Keith would be a much better candidate for such things, being half Galra and the leader of Voltron. Despite Shiro’s ever increasing pride in him, Keith refused as much responsibility as possible, especially when it involved meeting periodically with stuck up dignitaries who prioritized their political ideations over the safety of the universe. Thankfully, Allura frequented these affairs with him as the representative of Voltron, and in turn, afforded Shiro a little breathing room. 

If he was honest with himself, he knew he was in bad shape. The time he did have to sleep was minimal at best, and even then he couldn’t. He avoided sleeping because of rampant nightmares, choosing instead to read or answer emails. Though the frequent headaches and ghost pains during waking hours tired him out, he had plenty of experience hiding his pain from others. Even when pressed repeatedly, he could hold his aura of strength through almost anything. Matt had told him once that he could have made a stellar actor with that skill set, if not for his intense desire to fly and explore space.

Thank God for Hunk’s kindness that no one deserved, who made dinner for the paladins once a week and forced them to spend some time together. They didn’t have to exchange reports during this time or use honorary titles; Pidge or Lance would bring a game system, or sometimes they invited Coran to continue their Monsters & Mana campaign. That time with his friends was some of the only sanity restored in these hectic months. Months that felt like hundreds of decaphoebes.

Shiro had known that this recovery for the Earth would be even harder than their fight. Bodies were still being found and buried. Homes had to be rebuilt, food had to be grown and distributed, not to mention the defenses that they needed to accumulate in case of another aggressor. He hadn’t hoped for rest, let alone considered it a part of his schedule. He always pushed through, fought harder; more coffee and more optimism. Fake it til you make it. A can do attitude. Whatever had to be done would get done, and anyone who knew him knew he would see to it. 

Even so, the sharpest steel still had a breaking point.

 

He’d seen Allura today. Chipper and lively, excited about their meeting from the morning that had gone so well with rebel forces from off planet. She’s off to see that Coran and Sam are still well informed with the state of things. Pidge, Matt, and Hunk have been aboard the Atlas all week, running tests on the extremely powerful crystal. They assured Shiro they wouldn’t blow it up. Lance moseyed into his new office with his niece and nephew after lunch, finished giving them a tour of the massive ship. The boy was dead asleep in Lance’s arms, so they kept their voices low while Shiro updated him. He was happy to see them. Adorable kids, and they brought a smile to his worn features.

It was Krolia that told him he looked twice his age that evening. He laughed it off, assured her that he’s getting plenty of sleep. She was not stupid, and he knew that, so she told him like it was and if he didn’t rest soon, he’d burn out. Shiro knew this to be true, however, after exchanging information about Galra movements and refugee intake, he had successfully freed himself from her well meaning scrutiny.

He didn’t know that Krolia had then told on him.

Nearly three hours passed when Keith came to the Atlas. Most, if not all, of the crew had called it quits for the day. The halls were still and quiet, serene despite the hive-like action during the day.

Shiro was in his office exactly as Keith had imagined. Hunched over his desk, scribbling notes as his eyes stayed glued to the computer screen. His glasses were falling off his nose and doing no more to hide the raw skin under his eyes. The tin trash can was chock full of recyclable coffee cups and probably close to four hundred empty sugar packets. A couple fingers were taped over on his left hand, most likely from paper cuts. His desk was a complete travesty, reports and papers stacked all over with different colored sticky notes showing between them. The man’s uniform even showed a few wrinkles, which Shiro would never allow if he were in top form. His mom had been right; the situation was cataclysmic and was only getting worse. Keith couldn’t help but feel partly responsible for this.

“Hey.”

“Keith-!” Shiro jerked up straight, then bit his lip when his back uttered a sick pop. 

“You okay-“

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Just getting old,” Shiro laughed as he rubbed the sore spot and Keith scowled.

“You’re like twenty-seven,” He grumbled, leaning into the room with his back against the doorframe. 

Shiro held a paper clip between his teeth as he shuffled the papers in front of him together. After binding it down, he leaned back in his chair. “What can I do for you, Keith?” His eyes betrayed his poor physical state even if his posture was impeccable as ever, square shoulders and hands fitted together across his lap.

Keith was silently harboring a crazy idea that Krolia had put in his head. Perhaps Shiro needed to let loose, lose his inhibitions and what better way to do that than copious amounts of alcohol? He personally wasn’t big on the whole bar hopping scene, and it seemed neither was Shiro, but maybe, just maybe, he could get a couple shots in Shiro and then he’d actually relax. His boots clapped across the floor to lean on the man’s desk. Deadpan and serious, Keith caught Shiro’s eyes. “Go drinking with me.”

“Drinking?” Shiro shifted uncomfortably. “You? Drinking with you?” Hearing the words come out of his mouth only made the idea sound that much more stupid. 

“Yep.” Keith sighed like he had asked this a hundred times, even though his heart was running a marathon in his chest. He had to stay cool. Act cool. 

Shiro blinked at him like he would wake up from a dream/nightmare any second. “Now?” His voice sounded so much smaller than he remembered.

Keith nodded towards the door. “We need to get you out of here. You look like hell.” He hoped his nervous dry swallowing didn’t kill his cool exterior. And hopefully Shiro hadn’t noticed his clammy, sweaty hands either. “You don’t have to even drink. I’m of age. Don’t give me that look; I’m not a kid. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I- ...” After too long a pause, Shiro looked up from his hands to Keith and smiled that damn beautiful smile. Surely he was out of his right mind. “Okay. Okay, I’ll go.”

 

He didn’t know what had compelled him to accept. He guessed it was under some idea that this would be good for him, that maybe he’d have more energy. He definitely wasn’t going to admit that it was part of a selfish desire to spend time with Keith, who he had missed dearly over the past month. Shiro hadn’t paid attention when Keith picked the location or even to how they got there. It felt like a scene straight out of Star Wars, humans and aliens of all kinds eating and drinking together like this had always been the way. The world was so different now. 

The place was packed, but two spots at the bar were immediately cleared when someone proposed a toast to the leader of Voltron, Keith Kogane, and the captain of the Atlas, Takashi Shirogane. They were swarmed by fans pretty quickly, and Keith was cursing the hell out of himself for thinking this was a good idea. Luckily the bartender was a bit sympathetic and got them a round of shots, which Keith knocked back and then coughed like he was dying. Shiro locked on to him and got him water, which he ensured Keith finished before he allowed him another drink. Keith watched Shiro relax a little bit once he ordered an extra water just in case, and someone next to him started up a conversation about his space exploits. Keith had another shot(or two, he wasn’t sure) before he started answering questions from lingering fans. Half the time he wasn’t sure what they were saying, so he tried to laugh and nod at appropriate moments. At least these beings seemed to be nice souls and didn’t comment each time he ordered another shot. He had to be good and drunk to really ignore his anxiety, but it was still lurking. Prodding at him every time they continued talking to him even a second longer than he deemed necessary, but he didn’t want to push them off in front of Shiro. The last thing he wanted was to look like a self-centered dick in front of Shiro. So he swallowed more poison and rolled his shoulders and tried to keep eye contact until his fan club thinned out to almost nothing. After that hour and a half of nonsense, all he really wanted was to crawl in a hole and die until his line of sight had him looking at Shiro, who was shoulder to shoulder with him and had he been that close this whole time?

He was grinning and talking and oh, he was laughing. He was holding his belly and wiping his eyes and looking so happy that Keith forgot what he had been thinking about entirely. It had been a long time since he heard that laugh. He didn’t give a damn that it wasn’t him making Shiro laugh, or that Shiro wasn’t even talking to him at the moment. He just felt blessed to even be next to the man, sharing his presence. Enjoying the way his eyes lit up when he smiled and watching him motion with his hand through tales of battling Zarkon across the stars. Happiness looked good on him.

Normally his staring would have stopped way before now. Long before he started to trace Shiro’s arms and back and legs with his eyes. Definitely before his thoughts traveled a little too far south and hit dangerous territory, wondering if Shiro was as drunk as he was and if Shiro would taste like the space whiskey he had been drinking. Then he caught himself nearly drooling as Shiro wiped the sweat off his forehead and ran a hand through his hair. Shiro caught him looking and then said goodbye to his fans to catch Keith’s wanton gaze and turn towards him. Fuck. 

He was in deep shit now.

Keith knew his breath must have smelled bad and his eyes must be dilated but he couldn’t stop looking. He thought for a second, Shiro’s eyes flicked over him but it was probably just the poison in his veins.

“Sorry,” Shiro smiled. “I forgot to save you. Will you ever forgive me?” God His voice was so low and delicious and to have that on top of him in his ear would be-

Keith’s heart jumped into his throat. He had to stop or Shiro might notice something far worse than his staring. “N-no problem. You were- having a good time. I’m glad.” Too sincere. Keith wanted to rip his hair out.

But dear God almighty, Shiro leaned closer, his weight balanced against the counter, and Keith’s stomach twisted violently. Not just from the copious amount of alcohol. The bar was louder and busier, and Shiro moved so he didn’t have to yell, that had to be it.

“Thank you. I- the last time I went out was-“ He seemed to pause, suddenly stricken with some sort of torn expression. That sobered Keith up enough to actually process what he was saying. “Adam and I had drinks pretty regularly before- Kerberos.” Shiro’s eyes trailed to the floor and he pushed back. His body trembled, and Keith’s heart dropped. 

“Shiro,” He rested a hand on his shoulder, hoping to reassure his friend that he was there. 

“Damn, I- sorry. Didn’t mean to kill the mood,” He sighed heavily with a sad smile and turned his body back towards the counter, brushing off the hand in the process. Folding his arms on the wood, Shiro watched the ice clink in his empty glass. Maybe pulling Shiro out here had not been the best idea, especially now that the whole room was spinning for him and Shiro sounded like he was doing the opposite of relaxing. Keith’s stomach started doing flips and he was pretty sure it wasn’t a good thing.

He tried to soften up his posture, collect his thoughts at least. He was definitely regretting the amount of shots he took. Hell, he didn’t even remember what all types he drank, not that it mattered now. Patience. Focus. Shiro.

“I’m here. You can talk to me,” Keith said, and it felt like dropping a bomb that didn’t go off. It just sat there, like it wasn’t news to Shiro at all, which was sort of a good thing. He contemplated ordering him another drink but Shiro beat him to it and ordered them water instead.

Keith turned to the counter finally and their shoulders touched again. Shiro didn’t move away, so Keith let the little bit of contact happen. Maybe it was the reassurance he needed, maybe not, he couldn’t tell, his stomach was feeling like hot garbage. Shiro started swinging in his peripheral vision, and then he was saying something that sounded like it was coming from a mile away. He felt a firm grip on his shoulder that steadied his body, but his brain was running on all cylinders, spiraling down into an abyss. He strained to focus on what Shiro was saying to him, grasping at anything to ground himself out of this violent haze. Instead, he blacked out.

 

The next minute they were in the bathroom and Shiro was holding his hair away from his face and drawing soothing circles in his back as he lost the contents of his stomach into a public toilet. Shiro was extremely patient and gentle, wiping away his sweat with damp paper towels and leaving only to get him water. Keith rinsed his mouth out aggressively, and as luck would have it, Shiro had mints. He wanted to say sorry, he wanted to cry, but neither happened before Shiro was holding him under his arm and helping him hobble out of the hole in the wall the city called a bar.

This was a disaster. Why had he thought this was a good idea again?

At least the wind felt great against his flushed face on the ride through the desert. Somehow Shiro had gotten the keys off him, since they had originally been in his jeans pocket, and even found the hover bike on his own. He wasn’t saying anything, which was scary and comforting at the same time. At least Shiro had been the one to pull Keith’s arms around his waist and put his hands together at his stomach like a seatbelt. He currently couldn’t have willed himself to do even that.

Being against his firm back felt so nice. He was incredibly warm, even clad in a sleeveless shirt. He had lost his button up- when did that happen? Keith couldn’t remember. He was too distracted by Shiro’s tense muscles to really think about anything. It wasn’t fair how beautiful this man was. He might just rest his chin here on Shiro’s sturdy shoulder, or turn his head just slightly to nuzzle into his neck. Shiro felt more like a furnace now. Maybe it was just the proximity, yeah that had to be it. Shifting closer so his nose brushed against Shiro’s skin spurred him closer still and did Shiro’s whole body just turn into a statue? He thought he said something to him, whispered a couple things, maybe “you’re wonderful” and “thank you” and “you’re beautiful” and “handsome” and probably “I’m sorry” and even an “I love you.” The warmth was tantalizing and Shiro was so good to him and everyone; driving him home, he was so amazing and then Keith’s lips were on the back of his neck, teasing skin with his teeth and kissing the same spot before sucking on it and then he was blanking out.

They had to stop about three-quarters of the way so Keith could throw up again.

 

Mornings had always been a bitch to Keith, ever since he could remember. The curtains were too damn thin, or the blinds were hanging at just the right angle to scorch his eyeballs out of his skull. He audibly hissed and threw the blanket dramatically over his head as if that would make the sun shut up. His brain felt like it was the loser in a pro-boxing match the way it was throbbing and his mouth was as dry as the sands outside. With a loud groan and an even louder scramble to untangle from the sheets, he got out of bed. There was a quiet crackling sound reverberating about the room, but he brushed it off. Probably a plastic sack caught on the roof again.

He scratched his head absentmindedly as he padded out of his bedroom. It was even brighter in the hall than before and that had him squinting almost to the point of being unable to see. His steps came to a dead halt after he registered the sound again. Someone was in his kitchen. 

Krolia left days ago, not that she cooked for him. Hunk swore he’d never come to Keith’s house again after finding a live scorpion in the bathroom sink. Lance would most likely rather die of dehydration outside than go to Keith. And Allura and Pidge didn’t cook. He counted on his fingers, then stopped breathing. Shiro? What was he doing out here? 

Keith took a sorely needed breath after a minute and tried to remember the day before. That was a mistake. A memory or two of drinking and happy Shiro and sad Shiro and worried Shiro and then, flustered Shiro? He then grabbed the collar of his shirt and brought it to his nose. Cologne. This wasn’t his shirt. He didn’t wear button up shirts, and he definitely didn’t freaking wear cologne. What the fuck was going on? Panic was filling up his whole being as he stood there speechless, clawing at the insides of his skull to dig out anything else from last night. Coming up with nothing, he bit the bullet and moved onward.

Keith poked his head into the kitchenette, fingers precariously holding onto the door frame as he surveyed the scene. It was Shiro. In a shirt that was too small for him, trying desperately not to burn bacon on the stovetop. Keith did a double take, and screeched inwardly. The shirt on his own shoulders was way too big for him. Because it was Shiro’s. The shirt Shiro was wearing was a concert t-shirt Keith had bought when he snuck out to see Five Finger Death Punch back in his garrison days. Shiro was cooking breakfast in his tiny kitchen. Pieces of the puzzle started knitting themselves together when Keith’s blood ran cold.

They didn’t. They couldn’t have. And the most horrendous thing was that he couldn’t remember any of it.

“Morning, sleeping beauty.” Shiro snorted, peering over his shoulder, looking like an absolute Greek god with all his muscles showing through his shirt. Keith’s jaw opened and air came out but no sound and he felt like he was going to suffocate for a second. He willed his feet forward to hopefully stop looking like such a creep.

“Wanted to make sure you, ah- ate before I left.” Shiro’s voice seemed scratchy and quiet; exhausted. “How are you feeling?”

Keith gaped at him some more but at least his lungs were working. He pulled a chair away from the crap thing he called a table and sat there, staring. There was barely any space between the table-like object and the cooktop, so Keith had a literal front row seat to Shiro’s perfect ass. He shook his head and had to close his eyes as a distraction, but that brought on a whole other wave of thought. The domesticity of their current situation was going to be the death of him. If indeed they had slept together, Shiro was giving him the total boyfriend treatment, not that Keith imagined he wouldn’t. Not that he imagined himself crawling into bed with Shiro. 

When an answer didn’t come to his previous question, Shiro turned away from the food to face him, head cocked. “You okay, buddy?”

“No,” Keith was immediate, and staring again, unblinking.

“Need Advil? Water?” His voice was like straight diabetes. Keith just nodded, and Shiro smiled. 

When Shiro turned back to the food, he pulled the bacon out of its pan, piece by piece. It smelled amazing, even if there were some burnt bits. He went to transfer the piping hot pan to the sink and he ran over the table, pulling Keith out of his seat and to his side to stabilize him. Shiro panicked and swiped the pan away from Keith so it wouldn’t burn him and in turn, poured still sizzling and popping bacon grease directly onto his own bare foot. Shiro cursed and tore his foot away from the mess. The pan hit the sink and Keith got him into a chair and scrambled to the freezer to crack ice out of a container and get it to Shiro. He slipped on the grease and tumbled forward to barely catch himself against the wall before handing ice to him. Shiro hissed on application but held it sternly as they caught each others’ eyes, chests heaving and hair everywhere looking like complete and utter goofballs.

Shiro laughed first, and that had Keith giggling trying to hold back and then full out cackling the more he listened to Shiro. They both were swiping at their eyes after a minute and trying to catch the air that had been forsaken when Keith went to get water. He brought Shiro a glass and sat across from him, looking down at his silly reflection in the ripples. Time to simmer down and ask an important question.

“So... what happened last night?” Keith hummed. Keep it casual, calm.

Shiro did not have the response he expected. The man simply answered without a stutter or blush or anything. That was reassuring. Kind of. “We had some drinks and you had a bit too much.” He started on his water, dribbling a bit off his chin and down his neck.

Keith nodded, biting his lip. “Isn’t this- your shirt?”

Shiro sputtered and laughed again. “I figured you didn’t want to leave in the shirt you ah- got sick all over. Or sleep in it.”

“Oh.” Why did Keith feel- disappointed?

“Yeah,” He hummed, leaning into his hand. 

It got quiet again and Keith got up to go for the food. “Bacon and eggs? And burnt toast?”

Shiro almost looked like he was blushing. “Sorry, I- I’ll admit I’m not very skilled in culinary arts.”

“I can see that.” He smiled regardless, and filled some clean mismatched plates with the food. Shiro must be dead tired since he didn’t complain the whole time about Keith doing something for him, or even acknowledge it when the food was placed in front of him. He simply waited for Keith to start eating, then did so himself.

Keith offered to wash his clothes before he left, but Shiro was determined he had to get back to base. His foot was okay thankfully, not even a mark of their earlier fiasco, and the Advil took care of Keith’s headache.

So Keith drove him back to the garrison, in relative silence. He had never been more thankful for the roar of the engine than now, with Shiro behind him. Hopefully he couldn’t feel his pulse going a mile a minute. 

 

When Shiro crawled into the ship all disheveled and late of all things, he had hoped to avoid any and all attention. Maybe they would think he was sick or something. But his closer friends knew better; he’d still be working if he was sick.

Allura saw him slinking to his quarters. She raised a brow. Shiro froze. 

“Shiro you look like you got in a fight with an Alpha Dernolax, what happened?” Her voice filled with concern, looking him over from head to toe. 

“I-I’m fine, really, just need to get cleaned up-“ He inched closer to his goal, only a few feet away. Allura hurried towards him and had him trapped as she looked over his sleeves. Her nose upturned in disgust and she stepped back. 

“You smell like Earth’s alcohol. Did you go drinking last night?” Her tone was completely unreadable. Her expression even more so. Shiro didn’t know how to respond except to keep his mouth drawn in a tight line.

“What’s that on the side of your neck, there?” She pointed accusingly, narrowing her eyes. Shiro’s blood ran cold. He hadn’t thought there would be a mark. But he also hadn’t looked in a mirror since last night. Allura flipped him around and traced the back of his neck. Shiro couldn’t stop her, not with his bones frozen like this and his brain turning into complete mush.

“Who did this to you? I demand to know!”

Shiro swallowed dryly. “Uh-“

“Shiro, why would anyone hurt you?” She took his hand and sounded so soft now. Something was not right here. “Did you get bit by something?”

“It- doesn’t hurt Allura, it’s-“

“How can it not? It’s a bruise! It looks horribly painful, I ought to make you go to the medical ward and-“

Bless her heart, she was such a kind soul but Shiro was never more thankful for anything in his life. She didn’t know it was a hicky, or what a hicky was for that matter. Dodged a bullet there. 

“I promise, I’m perfectly fine. I’m going to get cleaned up and I’ll see you in thirty.” With that, he untangled from her grip and passed through the sliding door to his private rooms. He would have to explain later before this got out to the wrong people. Like Lance. Or Pidge. Shiro cringed. Or Coran.

He made his way to the bathroom to throw water in his face. He was definitely awake. And upon further inspection and a weird twist of his body, he could see the mark. Pink and red raised skin at the base of his neck on the right side. His insides did a flip and a spark of need ripped through him. 

Allura had touched it and he hadn’t felt anything in particular but when he traced the mark with his own fingers he realized he was holding a breath and when he gasped it sounded so sexual he turned red in embarrassment.

It wasn’t the first time he got off in the shower, but it had definitely been a hot minute since his last solo session. It didn’t take long, thinking about Keith’s tongue on his neck and teeth teasing his skin and praising him between kisses to mark him like a lover would.

Keith as a lover. Now that was a thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know how many times I’ve reread this but I still missed SPELLING SHIROS NAME WRONG until now
> 
> Ugh. I really should find a beta >~<


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some angst, some smut, some fluff. The total package folks! (I think?)

Shiro did find a little bit more energy after taking his time to clean up, shave, and press his extra uniform. He met his thirty minute deadline, and Allura seemed content that the hicky looked almost gone, though Shiro didn’t tell her it was concealer. She dropped the topic in favor of what she had actually been looking for him to talk about, and Shiro was again more thankful than he had ever been for that.

Unfortunately, he had barely slept at Keith’s, because the couch he crashed on basically wasn’t a couch anymore and slept about like the bastard child of springs and steel wool. It had an old back injury flaring up as he sat at his desk, which he endured about fifteen minutes of before he went fishing in the cabinets behind his desk for ibuprofen. He took three and chased it with instant coffee that tasted awful but hopefully those things combined would get him through a couple hours. He was wrong.

At the beginning of hour two, he started nodding off. He had to re-print the same page four times before he got it signed without dropping his head in the middle and nearly slamming his forehead to the desk as his signature turned to illegible scribbles. The next few emails he tried to read and respond to were even worse. When he sat back in the chair to give up, Sam Holt called in. The picture from the archive room came through clear as day to show Sam’s face and Coran flipping around in the background for something. Shiro smiled and covered his mouth in a yawn.

“Sir,” Sam saluted and Shiro waved at him.

“At ease, please, you’re killing me with the formalities Dr. Holt,” Shiro huffed and rolled his shoulders to get a little blood flowing. Nothing would be more embarrassing than to nod off talking to his previous mentor.

“Ironic, don’t you think? Anywho, Katie’s with us today-“ At the sound of her name, Pidge peered over at the screen. 

“Oh! Hey Shiro!” She waved, bright and full of energy. Shiro May have been tired, but he would never tire of seeing her with her family. There was nothing that made him more thankful to be back on earth than to see his friends happy.

“Pidge! I hope you haven’t been neglecting Green. Bet she misses you,” Shiro teased.

She puffed up, playing like she was offended. “You know I visit her every single day, just like the rest of the paladins.”

“I know, I know. Now what can I do for you?” Shiro folded his fingers together, watching intently, hoping his stupid stinging eyes would not betray his genuine interest.

“Katie’s been helping us reconfigure the MFE fighters to be able to stay longer in a dogfight, and we’ve been mostly successful, but we were wondering what your opinion is on creating a new line of fighters specifically designed for long distance travel. Or for battle in the atmosphere. Or transport ships. We’ve already begun on the schematics for the Altean based long range fighter jets that we can hopefully power by transferring energy from the crystal to charging nodules that would be installed in bay four. They would also be capable of charging our current fighters, and possibly even the lions if given the right amount of access to the crystal’s power, however, creating new power lines to allow us what we need could be extremely tedious and time consuming, however necessary. I’ve already compiled a list of potential pilots from the crew that we have, as well as a few interested candidates from outside the Atlas. I’m not entirely sure how we could offer them proper training without any working simulators but Iverson-“

“Dad,” Pidge poked him and pointed to the computer screen they were calling from. Sam followed her finger to see the image of Shiro with his head hanging low and leaning on his elbow.

“Takashi?” Sam quirked his brows, mildly concerned. Pidge shrugged. 

“Just overworked, I bet. He’s better at that then anyone. Call Keith, he’s not busy. Make him fix this,” She turned her attention back to the glowing panel before her and pulled up a current map of the Atlas. Sam decided it was best to end the call when Shiro started softly snoring and Pidge was having trouble containing her laughter.

 

Again, Keith found himself feeling responsible for Shiro’s current state. Looking at him passed out in the most uncomfortable position he had ever seen made Keith wonder if he should be taking some of this work. It was no secret Shiro was amazing at what he did with the Coalition and Atlas and the new Pyrhet City. He also never turned down any task, the man hardly knew how to say no when it came to stuff like this. He wanted to help everyone, all the time. Keith watched his chest rise and fall for a few more seconds before going to his side. Even though he tried to be as gentle as humanly possible placing his hand on the man’s shoulder, Shiro still jerked up like a shark had taken a chunk out of him.

“Keith? Ah, what time is it? Was I asleep? Oh-“ He frantically wiped his face and scrolled his mouse on the computer as Keith leaned against his chair.

“You should take time off.”

“I don’t have the time for that, come on Keith,” Shiro grumbled, seeing that he had nearly a thousand emails that needed tending to. Upon inspection, it was almost four in the afternoon and Sam had called him at eleven am. 

Keith groaned and backed off, stalking over to the purely decorative bookshelf across the room. “Shiro, you’re going to kill yourself at this rate. Then who’s gonna captain the ship?” 

“Allura? They’re installing a teleduv pad for her as we speak. Thank you for waking me up but if there’s not something you need, then I need to get started on this-“ As if on cue, a headache crawled into his forehead. Stress probably. He swiveled in the chair to reach for his painkillers and that caught Keith’s eyes.

“Headaches again? How bad?” Keith found a suitable spot to sit across from the desk in a leather arm chair.

“It’s fine, they help. And I’m probably just a little hung over and a little dehydrated.” Shiro knew he was deflecting and he knew it would make Keith mad but he was much more concerned with the current communication lapse between the blades and some of their exterior contacts that was presented to him by the text on screen.

“Shiro,” Keith sighed.

The man ignored him, starting a response to Kolivan. He had to get this done immediately, this could be a serious threat to their perimeter security if pirates or worse, warlords had taken this outpost. They might have to dispatch Voltron. At this rate, it would take hours to finish all these messages. He left too early last night, and his tardiness this morning was not helping him along.

“Shiro, stop for a minute.” Keith was on his feet now, hovering over Shiro’s desk in an intimidating fashion, but the man was not phased.

“I said already, I don’t have time to-“

Keith snapped and cut him off. “Then make time! If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others!”

Shiro was looking at him now. Good, maybe he was actually listening. “Keith-“

“You are drowning yourself in your work, Shiro! Come on, you and I both know you’re smarter than that.“ He took a deep breath to try and cool his temper, but when he opened his eyes, Shiro was writing down notes and scrolling through a PDF file and Keith just about screamed.

“Goddamnit, you dumbass, listen to me!” When his fist hit the desk, Shiro stood up. He met Keith’s glare with almost equal fury, but he looked so worn out. That put Keith at ease a little. At least if they got into a fist fight, he’d be easy to put down. 

“What do you expect me to do, Keith...?” His voice was angry, shaken and broken. “Quit? Stop contacting other planets that need our help? Stop talking to the team, our team, to help in any way I can? Do you want me to turn them away? Tell the crew ‘no’?!”

“Yes!” Keith threw his hands up to accentuate his answer. 

“What? Why?” Shiro shook his head and knitted his brows.

“You need to learn to say no! You haven’t had a day off since Sendak went down, and it’s been nearly a year- You keep taking on more responsibilities and ignoring everyone’s concern for your well being and it’s driving us all crazy! You keep pushing and refusing to see a doctor- I can’t- watch you do this to yourself-“

“Then don’t, Adam!” It left his throat before he had any chance to think.

Shiro froze. His fists curled tight and he felt the need to yell but nothing else would come out except an ugly sob. He found himself crying and Keith was searching for something to say. After a second more, he was shaking and feeling so small and stupid and helpless, like any strength he had left was zapped away. His mask was crumbling to dust and that gave him nothing to shield Keith from the hurt pouring out of his broken state of mind.

“Shiro, Adam’s-“

“I know!” When Shiro’s eyes met Keith’s again they were watery and leaking and bloodshot and Keith swore his heart stopped. “I know he’s not here, I know he’s dead and isn’t coming back. I know he lost his life while I was- doing what? Complaining about being given another chance that he’ll never get.” He didn’t make any kind of move to wipe his face. He let the tears roll off his chin like raindrops, straight onto his reports.

“You never gave yourself time to mourn,” Keith’s temper was sizzling down, quiet, but ready in case he needed it again. 

“No, I- I didn’t.” Shiro looked at the floor, and then at Keith again, who looked back at him like he was a dog that had been kicked. “I couldn’t.”

“I’m sorry-“ Keith tried to sound comforting but it sent Shiro into a tirade.

“No, I’m- I’m the one who should be sorry. You don’t owe me an apology for anything, Keith. It’s not your problem to fix my inner demons or my self destructive behavior. It’s on me to do that. It’s disgraceful that you even have to be here, that I can’t even admit to biting off more than I can chew. That kind of irresponsibility has worn me down to the point that I’m of no use to anyone.” Shiro was trying to close himself down and Keith could feel it. At least he seemed to make one step in the right direction, admitting he had more work than he needed.

“Shiro, it’s okay for you to lean on me. Or Hunk, or Pidge, or Lance, or Allura- you can’t carry the universe on your shoulders... And I do need to apologize. I should- be the one supporting you at meetings. I should be helping more with recovery efforts and all this- mess you have here. I’ve got to change. Start asking “how can I help” instead of “when can I leave.””

“I’d... appreciate that,” Shiro nodded, taking a minute to rub at his face. Keith had never seen him so vulnerable and dejected. Maybe he had opened up to someone else before this but this was the first time Shiro really opened up to him and he couldn’t just stand there . He wasn’t great with words so that left him to action, which ultimately cut his viable options down to nothing.

He started by stepping to the side of the desk and when Shiro offered him a hand, Keith took it and pulled to get Shiro to meet him. The metal arm met his back before he could get his arms around Shiro’s shoulders and then they were hugging and it was wonderful. Shiro squeezed him closer when he broke into more violent sobbing. Keith moved his arms to his back and dug his hands into the fabric, mirroring Shiro’s tight grip. He kept sniffling and trying to get his chest to stop heaving as Keith kept his mouth shut, cheek pressed to Shiro’s throbbing heart. He thought it would get slower the longer he held him, but it was getting faster. He decided that maybe he needed to make the first step back into conversation.

“I shouldn’t have pushed you to go drinking,” Keith sighed, his voice soft.

Shiro shifted his hold slightly, daring to rest his chin atop Keith’s head. Keith could feel the rise and fall of his chest steadying itself despite the little shudders still riddling his body. “I didn’t have to say yes.” His answer was quiet in this close space, warm and more intimate than Keith had thought it would be. He found his hands drawing soft shapes into Shiro’s back without his permission, but once he realized it, he couldn’t will them to stop. It felt right.

He didn’t want to argue anymore. The flame of his rage had fizzled out completely and now he just felt tired. “I’m sorry you just ended up my DD. I shouldn’t have drank so much.”

“If you want me to lean on you, you have to feel like you can lean on me in turn,” Shiro chuckled and the vibrations it sent through Keith’s whole being were lovely. 

Shiro had felt so tall and strong in his arms despite his pain that when the hug was gone, there was still a ghost of his body wrapped around Keith and he was oh so warm. His cheeks were burning but luckily Shiro looked a little flushed himself and that seemed like a good sign.

“Keith, I’m sorry I...called you Adam. You’re nothing like him, in all the best ways.” Those intense eyes set on him again. Keith returned his gaze, relief and pride glowering up from his chest.

“I think that was a compliment?” The way the words dropped from his mouth seemed too casual for such a serious admission, but it drew a smile from Shiro regardless.

“Keith?”

“Yeah?”

“How do I- request leave if I’m...at the highest chain of command?”

 

Shiro’s week of vacation was off to a good start. He had slept on and off all of the first day, only leaving his bed when Pidge and Matt brought him lunch. He took a long bath, then laid around in his underwear reading until bedtime. Then he was fighting sleep again, which was severely inconsistent but he had decided battling the nightmares was easier on him than seeing disappointment and pain in Keith’s face again.

The other paladins tried to convince him to take a month but the most he would agree to was seven days exactly. At first he proposed a weekend and they shot him down faster than an old Galra fighter. They promised that they could handle everything while he was away, even dubbing Allura co-captain until his return. Each paladin had offered him a place to sleep, for a change of scenery, but leave it to Shiro to prefer the rigid quarters of the battleship. 

All that said, he thoroughly intended to visit their families and personally thank them for the work of their kids. He kept that a secret, because the others would most likely call it work, even if he expressed that it wasn’t a hundred times over.

Day two, Keith found himself walking alongside Shiro into the same bar as last time, where he pledged not to drink as much. Shiro looked absolutely stunning, not that he wasn’t already every minute of the day. Keith couldn’t tell if he had dressed himself or if he had some outside assistance but whichever it was, he was grateful. Shiro sported a black button up shirt, sleeves rolled to his elbows and a generous amount of buttons left undone, giving a peek to the center of his chest. It was tucked into his tight fit blue jeans with a brown belt to match his brown dress shoes. Keith had to really check himself. His eyes were either on Shiro’s exposed collarbone or his well shaped ass. As much as he wanted to think of this as a date, he could already make out Matt, Lance, and Allura in the distance.

At least Shiro had expressed explicitly that he wanted to drink again, and invite their friends, so Keith wouldn’t have to shoulder his beautiful face alone. Veronica was coming, followed by Hunk and Shay, and a few members of the Atlas crew. Even Coran, Sam, and a reluctant Iverson made an appearance. Matt texted a few rebel fighters to come after that, hoping a larger number of participants would hide him from his dad’s embarrassing stories.

It took Shiro less than five minutes to look like he was having a good time, trying a weird cocktail with Coran, or whatever they called it on Altea. He ended up dancing with Lance, and Veronica, and Allura, but Keith refused when asked, despite the goddamn adorable puppy face of a buzzed Shiro. Matt ended up on the receiving end of his next invitation and they did a ridiculous tango together to a Pitbull song of all things.

Keith let himself get tipsy, but he was already sobering up on some greasy nachos when Shiro was challenged to shots. He could only bite his lip as Shiro squared up with a huge Balmeeran, a distant relative of Shay’s. Apparently, Keith was worried for nothing, because Shiro kept up like it was second nature. Did he drink a lot more often than Keith had originally thought? Regardless, the small crowd gathered around them was losing their minds and cheering.

After almost eleven shots of an off Earth liquor, the alien was on the floor and Shiro was thoroughly wasted, but happy. Smiling, laughing, gorgeous, damnit. 

He never officially made himself Shiro’s designated driver but he quickly realized that was his role when others started to head off for the night and he was replacing the drink in Shiro’s hand with a water. The smell on his breath was so strong, Keith could barely handle it, but he reminded himself that Shiro had been more than helpful when he drank himself sick last time.

“Keith, Keith- Keithy... hey.” Shiro swayed a little and Keith steadied him, unable to keep a grin off his face. Shiro wiggled around his metal fingers, then poked Keith’s nose. “You. Are adorable.”

Keith snorted and tried not to take it seriously. “And you are drunk off your ass. Want to get out of here?”

Shiro leaned closer and whispered. “I’d go with you anywhere.” Despite the smooth delivery, his legs were responding like a new born foal, wobbling and knocking his knees together like he would go down any second.

The former red paladin truly was red now as he held Shiro’s shoulders at arm’s length to get some distance between them. “Oh- Kay let’s get you to a bed.”

“Hopefully your bed,” Shiro cooed, making all Keith’s hairs stand on end. His voice was way too low and way too sultry and collected for a drunk man. 

Keith played the dumb card as he directed Shiro out of the bar. “Sure, you can sleep in my bed but I’m sleeping on the couch.” That was a mistake.

“Why would you leave me for the couch after we fuck?” He sounded so hurt that Keith thought he was going to cry.

“I wouldn’t-! I mean- When did I say we were-?!“ He lowered his voice so maybe Shiro would follow suit, but he was wrong.

“You wouldn’t fuck me?” The words did not match his horrified tone of voice at all. 

“That’s not what I meant-“ Keith was trying not to make a scene but there were eyes on them now and he was wishing to god he was invisible.

“So you would?” Shiro took that as an invitation to close any space between them, grinning like a madman. Keith could see straight down his disheveled shirt, all the glory of his pecs and abs exposed. His eyes looked predatory, trained on Keith’s form, taking in every speck of him.

It turned out drunk Shiro was dangerous. His face was inching closer and Keith couldn’t move a muscle. Every alarm in his head was going off and he felt like he’d pass out from heat stroke any second. Shiro tilted his head and took Keith’s chin in hand, swiping a thumb across his lips. Keith screamed like a little girl inside his head but he didn’t dare move. Then, as quick as he closed in, he backed off and cupped his hands around his mouth.

“‘Ey Lance! You were right, Keithy does wanna-“

Keith’s eyes bugged out of his head and he slapped his hand over Shiro’s mouth. “I didn’t say anything, Shiro!”

The man shrugged and freaking licked his hand, sending a shock straight to Keith’s dick as he whipped his hand away. He was going to die. Or kill Shiro. Or both, why not both? At least Lance was already well on his way home.

Luckily, Keith got his wasted companion out of the bar with little to no complaint, even if it might have been under false pretenses at the time. It wasn’t like he was opposed to being in bed with Shiro, but he was pretty certain sober Shiro would be mortified afterward. There were five thousand things they needed to talk about already, and sleeping together wasn’t something Keith wanted to add to that list yet. Or did he? 

Thankfully, Shiro kept quiet, at least on the way to the hover bike. Keith couldn’t believe he was the source of Shiro’s drunk affections. He also couldn’t believe Shiro hadn’t thrown up yet, or even seemed to be sick at all besides his lack of balance. It was unreal, almost inhuman. 

Keith was quickly reminded he was indeed human when he got onto the bike and pulled Shiro after him. He didn’t understand why Shiro was sitting so far back until he forced him closer. At least he seemed to have the dignity to pull back when his raging hard-on touched Keith’s lower back, but there was no other way for him to ride safely.

“You’re being coy now?” Keith teased, not realizing the monster he had unleashed. “We can’t leave until you hold on to me, you know that.” Keith admitted to himself that it was kind of fun having the upper hand on Shiro, the undefeatable champion of everything, so he winked.

It was then he felt a warm hand on his left side and a cold hand on his right side slide forward and spread their fingers across his stomach and abdomen. Keith sucked in a breath. Dear god. After what felt like a century and a half, Shiro linked his fingers together and shifted close without saying a word. He was burning up, all except his prosthetic. Keith’s own temperature was made especially worse when Shiro rested against him, leaning into his body as he started the engine. He tried his damnedest not to focus on the rather large, hard, hot bulge pushed into him, but then Shiro breathed on his ear and he lost any sense of coherency he had left.

“Shiro you’re going to get us killed.” He bit his lip as he backed out of the parking lot and headed to the city streets. Now Shiro minded his manners, strangely enough. Onlookers saw nothing weird as they sped around traffic and debris, used to many bikes like this one. Keith wasn’t sure who he was praying to or what he was even praying for but he was praying now.

Maybe praying that if he did happen to jerk the controls, that they would both die and he wouldn’t have to wake up in the hospital and explain why the best pilot in all of the Atlas crew flipped and crashed a hover bike in the middle of nowhere.

For a second, Shiro’s breathing sounded so peaceful that Keith thought he fell asleep. It gave him a false sense of calm for several minutes, listening to Shiro resting. Unbeknownst to him, the man was wide awake and had been collecting his thoughts for those minutes, only now coming to the realization that they were alone out here.

“Keith,” Shiro whispered over his ear, his lips only separated from it by Keith’s unruly hair. His breath was heavy with his name and damp and Keith swore he was about to slam on the breaks and throw Shiro off but he didn’t.

“Shiro.” Keith swallowed in a dry breath, suddenly very aware of his pounding heart.

The fucking smirk Shiro gave against his hair made his cock twitch. 

“Keith,” Shiro said again, slower, longer. His clasped hands drifted a bit lower and Keith almost squealed.

Shiro gave him a minute, whether on purpose or not. And Keith was stewing in it, thanking and cursing whomever he had prayed to. Keith could admit it then; he wanted Shiro. If drunk Shiro wanted him, he wasn’t going to complain. Maybe it was wrong and maybe he would regret it later but in that moment Keith could easily say that there was nothing he wanted more than to hear Shiro say his name again like that. Until his passenger introduced him to something just as good. 

Shiro leaned to the base of his neck. When he opened his mouth to speak, his lips barely brushed Keith’s skin and caused him to shiver all over. “Do you remember- when I drove you home?”

Keith shook his head no. Probably a little too much because Shiro’s grip around his body tightened. He couldn’t think right now, let alone remember anything. If the path home wasn’t branded into his memory, he would have been lost to the wastes, because he could not focus on a damn thing.

“I’ll remind you,” Shiro hummed, then licked and softly sucked on his skin. Just a small spot, easy to cover up. His lips made soft contact several times, in between teasing with his tongue. He then used a little bit of teeth and pulled a sound out of Keith that made him gasp.

“Shiro-“ Keith begged. Unsure for what exactly but he did and Shiro stopped. 

In a moment of clarity, Shiro completely froze head to toe. “Is this okay? I mean, am I-“

Keith blushed and groaned, really not wanting to admit out loud. But Shiro was paying attention now and he wasn’t giving Keith what he wanted which was more of- whatever the hell he had been doing. The wind rushing past did little to cool his face now at all. Maybe he was crossing the line, maybe not, Shiro was amazing and he wanted him in whatever way he was offering.

“You can- keep going,” Keith swallowed, knowing he had now readied himself for death. It took all the courage he had in him to say the last word. “Please.”

“I’m not just pressuring you? I’m- not too old?” Even drunk he was being moderately self aware. He didn’t know why he thought it’d be otherwise. This was Shiro after all; kind and thoughtful Shiro. 

“No Shiro- No. You’re perfect.”

“O-okay-“ Shiro could barely make out Keith’s front porch light from here. 

They went quiet, except the rumble of the engine, causing anxiety to well up in Keith’s stomach until Shiro rested his chin on his shoulder. Then, that anxiety was replaced by some sort of positive anticipation. He wondered if this is what having butterflies in your stomach felt like.

 

In the next minute, they were parked and headed up the steps and Keith had nearly dropped the keys before he could open the door, which there wasn’t a reason to lock in the first place except to delay him getting what he wanted in that moment. Kosmo lifted his head up from his paws, basically undisturbed by the situation. Once the two were inside, he rolled over and went back to sleep.

When they shut the screen door, Shiro pinned Keith to the wall and went for his mouth like an insatiable animal. His tongue was pushing past Keith’s as he locked his thigh in between Keith’s own. Keith grasped at the fabric of his shirt, unable to do much else under this assault except kiss back and breathe. They were really doing this. Shiro was really kissing every inch of skin he could see, leaving little wet patches all over that turned cold when he returned to Keith’s lips. His thigh pressed harder against Keith’s need, drawing a whimper out of him that Shiro swallowed greedily. The fire burning in his gut completely hiding the sudden dizziness he felt, Shiro ignored everything but Keith. What did he look like after sex? What kinds of sounds would he make? How would he look naked? Was his ass even paler than the rest of his skin?

He was pretty certain Keith wasn’t going anywhere, so his hands began to wander, thumbing across the hem of Keith’s pants and dipping into the curve of his back, before rubbing up under his shirt. In turn, he was rewarded by freeing Keith’s arms that immediately attached around his neck. His hands pushed up from his hairline several times as Shiro kept him preoccupied with sloppy kisses up and down his neck. With his mouth freed for longer that two seconds, Keith tapped his back. He didn’t respond, and that was worrying.

“Shiro,” He said, in between his disorganized breaths. When Shiro’s lips didn’t come off his skin, he tugged on his ear. That got his attention, jerking back to rub at it.

“Ouch,” Red from head to toe, he looked like he was having a heat stroke. Keith lifted a hand to his cheek, almost afraid it would burn against his skin. His eyes looked glazed over and upon further inspection, he had barely been sweating.

“You don’t look so good. Let me get you some water,” Keith ducked out of his arms and stepped up to the cupboard, then flipped on the tap. He ushered Shiro to sit down and drink, to which he only nodded. That was a sure fire sign something had been wrong, though he didn’t push to talk about it. He refilled his water twice before Shiro went to the bathroom, after which he seemed a bit healthier. More a normal color.

“You okay?” Keith padded towards the hallway where Shiro was standing, staring towards his bedroom.

“Yeah. Keith?” They both stilled, exchanging glances in the silence. Keith was going through a mental checklist of symptoms and happy that the little break seemed to do the trick. Shiro sighed, then turned his eyes back on Keith, who was now the one gazing over his bedroom door. The man opened his mouth, but was shocked to immediately feel Keith’s take up residence there, dancing against his tongue like they had never stopped. 

He didn’t need to be worried. Keith had the same intentions he did. When the kiss broke apart to reveal them both drooling, Shiro was more than happy to follow Keith like a seduced mariner the few steps it took to reach his siren’s room.

He walked in and it was like crossing the threshold to another dimension. Still undoubtedly Keith’s room, thick dark curtains and edgy posters slapped up on the walls with an unmade bed. He turned and took an extra minute to close the door even when it wasn’t necessary, if only to steady himself a minute, and remind himself that he and Keith were alone in Keith’s bedroom in Keith’s house. Not that they hadn’t talked in private on the castle of lions but this was an entirely different realm. This was an intimate space. That alone would have had Shiro’s heart banging against his rib cage.

“Thanks.” Keith nodded to the door. “I don’t like leaving it open.”

“Oh.” Leave it to wonderful Keith to pull him out of his brain sink hole.

“Yeah.”

Keith moved to the door as if to inspect it, then turned to Shiro with a wild look in his eyes. He couldn’t place it, and Keith didn’t give him time to. Hands were at his shoulders to pull him down and a mouth was on his and he was reeling. Heat spread from his face all down his body as Keith lapped at his lips and kissed some more and he was so stunned he couldn’t keep up. “Keith-“

“Want you,” Keith pleaded, as clear as he could. His clothed erection rubbed into Shiro’s thigh and Shiro’s hips jutted in response. His body pressed ever closer to Shiro’s and Shiro moaned low and deep. Keith paused to catch his breath, realizing that he was discovering a new favorite sound every minute. With kisses and gentle touches, Keith ushered Shiro backwards, taking the lead and going for his last few shirt buttons. Shiro had no chance with his head swimming in desire and his hands running over Keith’s sides and arms and back, tethering to his dips and curves with every shift of their weight.

When Shiro’s calves hit the end of the mattress, Keith lightly pushed him. Shiro dropped back, drunk on love now, but still too put together for Keith’s taste. He intended to change that. He crawled over him and pushed him down to kiss him, offering his tongue and Shiro gladly accepting. He got a little messier then, disregarding how many times his fingers ran through Shiro’s hair and tugged him back down to the sheets if he tried to sit up. When his lips traveled to Shiro’s neck and he grinded his leg against his crotch, he got another moan, higher in pitch than the last. Keith had the audacity to sit back and smirk, pleased with himself this time. He peeled his shirt up and over his head and discarded it, coming back down slow and half naked. 

Shiro swallowed a deep breath and flipped them, taking a moment to appreciate Keith’s form and then diving in. Keith resisted against his shoulders to get him back down, but Shiro grabbed his wrists and pushed them up over his head, holding him down and biting at his lip. He kissed the corner of his mouth and swiped over his lips with tongue before crashing their lips back together with a fire. Keith mumbled against his lips but couldn’t say anything until Shiro moved to his chin and neck, sucking and biting. 

“Shiro,” He cried, his hands curling into fists and tightening with enough force to make it hurt. There was no way for Shiro to know that, but he was pushing his fingers through Keith’s and clasping their hands together like he did. Keith gasped and moaned before Shiro took his mouth over with a ravenous kiss. He was exploring every inch Keith would give him again and again and Keith was ready to give it all.

Shiro’s body pressed down and into Keith’s at an awkward angle, letting his weight hold them together as he refused to let go of Keith’s hands. He was unraveling completely in front of him, losing track of his breathing and forgetting any sense of manners. Keith opened his thighs just enough for Shiro to shift between them and finally give them both a little relief. By now, Shiro was hurting below the belt and the friction did too little too late for him. He was leaning back to fumble at his belt when Keith took over and slipped the belt out of its loops for him. He breathed a sigh of relief when he freed his cock, stroking himself and groaning with need.

Keith was mesmerized, watching him briefly touch himself. He was the sexiest thing Keith had ever had the privilege of witnessing. His white hair was going every direction, his cheeks and ears flushed bright pink against the pale color of his skin. Eyes dark and half-lidded, shifting from his need to Keith’s and to Keith’s face. His lips were almost bruised from their rough treatment and his neck was riddled with marks. He had to see the rest.

With a tentative hand, Keith went back to Shiro’s shirt buttons. Shiro nodded desperately when he sped up his minstrations, sweat forming across his forehead. When his shirt was pushed off, Keith picked at his jeans and Shiro got the message. He slipped back off the bed to peel them off his legs and returned to Keith’s warmth, bare and searching with his hands. 

Shiro reached behind and grabbed his ass, squeezing as he pulled his hands up only to bring them back down with Keith’s pants. Keith shivered and sighed against Shiro’s metal shoulder, finding some relief in its cool surface as he let Shiro strip his boxer briefs off his legs. Then there was a hand trailing down his chest and his eyes snapped open to meet Shiro’s.

“You’re...beautiful,” Shiro breathed, lowering his lips to kiss up Keith’s collarbone to his neck and ear. “Beautiful.” He whispered again in Keith’s ear and the response in his body was lovely. Rutting his hips against the air for friction and arcing his back into Shiro’s every touch. Carefully with his metal hand, he traced Keith’s abs and scars, trying to commit them to memory as well as the sweet cries Keith offered him in response. His cock was dripping and reacting to every sound, throbbing with heat and downright painful when Shiro finally reached it.

His hand- his hand was just how Keith imagined it to be. Calloused but so warm and gentle wrapped around his cock, swiping the head with his thumb and spreading pre cum across his length. His toes curled and he let out an unabashed sound when Shiro lowered down to stroke them together. Shiro stayed at his ear and found himself returning Keith’s moans with his own, saying nothing but expressing everything through desperate sounds. They sounded like a cacophony of sex starved fools, slipping against each other at any angle they could manage, but Shiro didn’t care. His mind was on one track at the moment and Keith was right behind him.

Keith reached down himself to feel with his own hand, since he couldn’t see the action directly. Shiro kept jerking them, not bothered at all by Keith’s intrusive fingers. He could feel Shiro’s heat and length pulsing against his own and it was just as hard, and it was big, and the thought that his hand might not even be able to close around Shiro’s girth shocked his body with ecstasy. He steeled himself by digging his fingers into Shiro’s back, scratching him, but Shiro didn’t stop. He began kissing Keith’s ear and neck instead, barely able to keep up with his rampant breathing and moaning. He wasn’t going to last. Shiro was going to make him cum. That idea alone would fuel many solo sessions in the next few weeks.

After a minute or two of this obscene grinding, Shiro coughed out some words like he was losing his voice. “Keith, I can’t- hold out-“ He shifted his weight onto his knees as best he could to grind into his own hand and against Keith, who was panting and nodding along with him. He was tempted to close his eyes but he fully intended to make a permanent copy of Shiro’s orgasm face in his brain, so his eyes stayed wide open. Shiro’s had been closed for a while, but when he did open them, Keith was staring right back at him and he looked red as a beet. On accident, he groaned straight into Keith’s mouth while trying to kiss him, which apparently pushed Keith over.

He choked out a “Shiro” when he spilled out, quaking even under Shiro’s firmly pressed weight. He let the pleasure wash over him and consume him as Shiro slicked them down with all that Keith was giving, before following suit. His hips jutted violently and he lost himself across Keith’s stomach. They were a mess of limbs and heat and lost breaths as Shiro rubbed them through the climax. When his cock finally went limp, Keith felt so sticky and disgusting that his first thought was to get out of there and bathe, but then all of Shiro’s weight bore down on him and he wasn’t going anywhere.

Keith coughed. “You’re literally laying in your own filth.”

Shiro kept his face pressed into the crook of Keith’s neck and nodded, like he didn’t mind at all. And if Keith was honest with himself, having a naked Shiro completely covering him was a blessing despite the hard-to-breathe issue and the fact that they were currently a semen sandwich.

Keith miraculously found a shred of patience as Shiro found his breath and then their lips found each other again for the hundredth time. He found his hands roaming up Shiro’s ribs to lightly trace over his scars. With a sound of approval, Shiro kissed his cheek and neck, wet and soft, not paying any attention to where as long as it was skin. He was falling asleep, each kiss going slower and slower until his lips didn’t leave entirely and he was breathing even against Keith’s heart. The former red paladin cursed under his breath, but eventually relaxed enough to drift off, even with some odd 250lbs of Shiro literally stuck to him.

 

Morning came around too fast, as per usual. His body felt stiff and sore and way too heavy as he wiped the clutches of sleep from his eyes. Sometime in the night he had turned onto his stomach, because at the moment of waking he was face down in a pillow. The mass of weight and heat on top of him, he realized, was Shiro, cheek pressed into his upper back and snoring away. Part of him wanted to go back to sleep since he was warm and cozy but he didn’t like the idea of having to face Shiro in the daylight, buck naked. There was no way in hell he was going to suffer through a morning of pillow talk with the nicest, most handsome man he knew. The mere thought had him cringing and blushing. He shifted one leg forward to push out from Shiro’s clutches, but the man only gripped tighter around his waist. Keith groaned and rolled his eyes, unbelieving the kind of bedmate Shiro seemed to be. At least he hadn’t woken up yet.

After six more attempts with different angles and different varying degrees of effort, Keith was ready to give up. To his luck, Kosmo must have sensed his distress and warped to the rescue at his side with a little whimper. Keith reached out to pet him, then gripped onto his fur in preparation for a warp. Kosmo had earned his keep again that day, not that he even needed to.

Keith took a long, arduous shower, trying his best not to get excited remembering the previous night. If he was lucky, maybe Shiro wouldn’t remember, maybe he could worm his way out of a conversation about it. He scrubbed his stomach and abs almost raw like it would make it any easier to forget Shiro coming, but the thought backfired and got him hard again. He started to punch the wall, but then remembered someone was still sleeping, so the water turned cold to kill his erection.

Leaving the shower, he peeked in on Shiro, who was still very much asleep, in the same position on his stomach but squeezing a pillow instead of Keith. He offered a silent prayer to the pillow and went for a change of clothes. He knew there was nothing for breakfast, so he planned to make a run to town for something, and maybe get Shiro a change of clothes while he was at it. Let the man sleep all day if he wanted; he needed it. Hell, he deserved it. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath from the previous chapter. Sorry it’s a tad short o . o

Shiro bolted upright in a panic, and it didn’t help that he had not the slightest idea where he was. Not to mention being naked except for the sheet across his lap. There was a foreign taste on his lips and he smelled like someone else entirely. This wasn’t the first time he had woken up after heavy drinking and couldn’t remember where he was, so he knew to make himself breathe to calm down, take in his surroundings, and the memory would come back on its own. Things were looking more familiar when he heard a motor whirring from outside. When he realized it was getting closer, he tumbled off the bed and felt along the floor for his pants, which had to be there somewhere.

To his dismay, a door opened before he found them, so he jumped back into the sheets and at least covered his crotch with part of it. Footsteps closed in on the room, and the head that peered in wasn’t human. 

“Kosmo?” Shiro cocked his head and the wolf copied him. They looked at each other for a minute before Kosmo decided Shiro needed some company and leapt onto the mattress. He laid by Shiro’s feet, ears tilted towards the entryway.

After some rustling in the other room, a pleasant smell wafted to Shiro’s nose before a body appeared in the doorway. Kosmo wagged his tail and lowered his ears.

“Keith,” Shiro blinked dumbly, his perfectly messy hair and skin littered with more pink blemishes than scars. Swollen, chapped lips, with the room still stuffed with the smell of sex and sweat, anyone could have guessed what happened here. The sheets that twisted and turned across his lap just so to cover his crotch, Keith’s clothes from the night before littered beside the bed; there was more than enough evidence to convict him. But Shiro, leaning up on his elbows in Keith’s bed with Keith’s wolf, had never seemed more relaxed.

Keith swallowed hard. “Hey.” 

Shiro scratched his cheek nervously. “Sorry I- took your bed.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Keith huffed, a deep blush spreading across his features. “I washed your clothes. And brought food.” He was avoiding Shiro’s eyes, but he wasn’t angry, at least Shiro could tell that much.

“You didn’t have to.” Shiro smiled and sat up completely, mindful of his lap. “Guess we’re even now.”

“We are?” Keith hummed, daring to flick his eyes up to Shiro’s. 

“I- helped you and you helped me. Sorry I was a handful.” Shiro nodded firmly, never more certain of anything else in his life.

“You’re more than a handful,” Keith snorted, motioning to his carefully covered crotch. Shiro went silent at that and his face heated up to fever pitch. He hadn’t really thought of his size as much larger than average until he had them both in his hand last night. Wait- he really hadn’t dreamt that.

Keith was by his side now, holding a set of folded clothes. “I guess this means you didn’t conveniently forget last night.”

He offered the clothes and Shiro stared at him, then covered Keith’s hands with his own. The former red paladin flinched, but didn’t retreat. He chewed his lip as Shiro looked from eye to eye, his brain trying to make sense of what he was remembering. Keith naked, underneath him, calling for him over and over and then- 

“I- s-sorry, I’ll get- dressed,” Shiro stuttered. He took the clothes and dropped his gaze, burning away any hope Keith had of avoiding their next conversation. 

Keith turned, leaving him to get cleaned up, tapped his leg to call Kosmo after him. The wolf padded along happily, then glued to Keith’s side. He walked out to the porch with him and sat down, lazily wrapping his arms around the pup. His fur was silky, even softer than Shiro’s hair. Keith chewed his lip, pushing down the thought. He didn’t want to get his hopes up just to have Shiro put them six feet under. He knew he couldn’t avoid the topic for long though; they were bound to be stuck in the same room sometime even if he ran now. Kosmo seemed to sense his trepidation, and offered a few kisses, which Keith groaned and pushed him off. “Gross!” He chuckled despite himself, and he could swear Kosmo was laughing at him. Shit, he was calling the wolf that now too. It was all Shiro’s fault. This whole mess was Shiro’s fault. He didn’t have to be such a sexy drunk. He didn’t even have to invite Keith to the bar, let alone hit on him. 

Keith kicked a rock off the porch and watched it bounce and roll several feet. His friend didn’t pay any mind, shuffling his paws closer and resting his head on Keith’s shoulder. He was such a good boy. With his face pressed into his fur, he set his mind to running his fingers through the wolf’s dense coat instead of thinking about Shiro.

Several minutes later, Kosmo whipped his head towards the house, then warped away from Keith. Normally, he might have chased after him, but his head was too cloudy. He had had sex with Shiro. There was no going back from that, and he knew it. After a minute he was scratching at his arms if only to distract himself once more. He knew too well that he was thinking himself into a corner and he also knew what it would do to him. He did his best to shove the eldritch horror named anxiety back into the depths of his mind until this was resolved.

When the wolf was back, he stood up. He needed to be a man about this, own up to what he was feeling. Shiro deserved the truth, all of it, and soon. Keith simply wasn’t sure if he had the will to do it. He pushed back into the house and immediately walked into Shiro’s frantic apology from across the room. 

“Keith I’m so sorry.” Shiro was rubbing the back of his neck and looking like a drenched kitten. Keith sighed about as dramatically as humanly possible. Shiro was blaming himself and thinking Keith hadn’t wanted him and as a result, would probably throw out some self deprecating comments. He didn’t want to see him broken down again like a few days ago. He couldn’t take it. He had to seize the initiative here, or risk Shiro talking himself into another episode. If there was one thing Keith knew, it was that Shiro would rather blame himself for everything than anyone else, throw himself in front of a moving car if it would save someone else’s life, and tear apart his own mind if it meant saving their friendship. Sometimes his devotion went overboard, but he knew he was just as crazy. Hell, he jumped out of his lion and cut Sendak in half because he was threatening Shiro. He couldn’t handle seeing Shiro panicked, and that was still true now.

“Don’t apologize, please.” He closed his eyes and ran his hands over his face. Shiro’s silence that followed gave him the pause he needed to close some distance between them. “Look, I’m bad at this, we both know that. But just listen okay?” Keith grumbled and shut his eyes, pulling at a stray strand of hair. Shiro nodded, watching intently. “You said you have Kuron’s memories right? So- you remember what I said? Well, it’s um still true. I don’t regret last night so stop thinking I do. And- I’d- do it again if given the chance.” He sucked in a breath but didn’t realize it, wanting to gauge Shiro’s reaction before he melted on the spot. His heart thrummed, waiting for rejection, waiting to be battered and bruised. He waited, but it didn’t come.

Shiro was seeing goddamn stars. He clutched his chest in a vain effort to stifle his pounding heart, ears flooded with the sound of his sudden rampant pulse. He felt like he needed to sit down, so he grasped the corner of the couch as an anchor, eyes still glued onto Keith. He looked almost calm, like he expected Shiro to know those things by heart already.

“I uh- was trying to um. Apologize for giving my um leftovers to Kosmo. I mean- the wolf, sorry. You- told me not to feed him but the way he looked at me, I just caved, so- ah-”

Keith snorted and burst out laughing. Shiro couldn’t tell if it was ironic or not, since he was sure his expression was all kinds of fucked up. His whole person felt light as air, but burning up like he was being consumed by a ravenous fire. But then there was Keith, doubled over in fits of laughter, his fist hitting the floor softly as he couldn’t stop.

“I thought you- I thought you had been beating yourself up- Oh my god, I’m such an idiot,” Keith gasped for air, clutching his stomach and grinning ear to ear. 

“You’re not mad about Kosmo?” Shiro asked.

“No,” Keith rubbed at his eyes, his body still trembling against the floor. When his hands didn’t come away from his face, Shiro lost his shit. The light atmosphere instantly turned heavy, Shiro switching gears as he caught the glint of light reflecting from Keith’s cheek.

“Keith-“ He knelt down, taking a hand of Keith’s in his own. “Are you crying? It’s okay-“

“Is it?” Keith spat, clearly hurt. “Do you realize how awkward everything is going to be now?” He was chuckling, tears rolling off his face. “Oh man, you’ll be doing your best not to make our friendship suffer but I won’t be able to forget how I feel and you won’t either- you’ll try to care about me like you always have but now you’ll have to make it sound as platonic as possible and slowly start to despise me for tearing apart the team-“

“Keith.” Shiro squeezed his hand and yanked his whole body into his own, grasping tight onto his frame and holding Keith firmly in his lap, even though he wasn’t fighting it. He was just trembling, scared and sobbing, unable to keep his thoughts in check. If Shiro let go, he would break all to pieces. 

“Keith,” He said again, so tender this time, brows forced together with concern and- something else Keith couldn’t place- written all over him. Not until he pressed Keith’s ear to his heart and held him tight, curled in his arms. “Keith, if you think I’m ever going to stop caring about you or being interested in your well being, then you are wrong. If you think that I could ever look at you without feeling pride and joy and- love, you’re insane. You have saved my life over and over, asked for nothing in exchange except that I live. That I fight by your side. And I- that’s the greatest honor I could ever receive, in any lifetime, in any universe. I am literally only still here because of you. This heart-“ Shiro pressed Keith further still, holding him into the loud, quick beat inside his chest. “This heart exists for no other reason except you.” He paused again briefly, like there was so much more he needed to say but he didn’t know how to fit it into words. “You- make me feel like I can do anything. You give me a strength that I never knew before you. I only wish I could be half the man you see in me.” He looked to his metal arm, then to the scars marring his human one. “I’m battered and broken and misshapen and you still- lift me up and look at me like I’m a hero. Your answer to my weakness is to give me your strength, as many times as it takes. I owe you so much and yet I have so little to give. Just a- weary heart, but that’s already yours. Has been, for a while now, whether you realized it or not, so...” He raised Keith’s fingers to his lips and kissed his hand. Keith shivered and Shiro gave him another worried look, but he wasn’t upset anymore. “I love you too, Keith. You’re my light- you’re my hero now.” He let silence come after that, with a wave of relief crashing into his whole body. However, when Keith opened his mouth again, his gut twisted up again.

“That’s- the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard,” Keith sputtered, about to start laughing again.

“What-“ Shiro loosened his grip, looking red and flustered all over again. “I really meant that-” 

“I should have known that you couldn’t just say ‘I love you too’ and be done with it.” He snorted again. At Shiro. At his confession.

“Keith!” Shiro barked, his skin burning with embarrassment. When Keith started laughing again, Shiro scoffed. “I’ll give you something to laugh about!” He showed no mercy; his hands went straight to Keith’s sides, tickling him there while Keith pushed at him and kicked trying to get away. Shiro just looped an arm around his leg and pulled him back in, teasing his toes and foot to keep him giggling. 

“Stop!” He begged, clawing at the floor to escape but Shiro pressed on, dropping over his body and going to tease his neck. He snickered and shook as Shiro moved his assault back to his waist. “Shiro-!”

“Let me tell you something else, Keith Kogane.” Shiro blew air in his face, taunting him. “You’re rude, impatient, insufferable at best-“ He slowed his evil hands, letting Keith catch his breath. “Extremely passionate, stubborn, hot-headed, snarky, prickly- only to name a few and I still love every inch of you.” He offered a chaste kiss against Keith’s jaw. This had his laughs calming and his attention shifting to Shiro’s blooming irises. “You are...breathtaking. Mind blowing. And- the only one who never- gave up on me. Who always believed in me. You’ve loved and loved and loved me all this time and I-“ Shiro paused, his emotions trying to get the better of him. Slender fingers and a soft palm met his cheek, reminding him the past was the past. “I will spend the rest of this life- whatever time I have, loving you as best I can, if that will only make up for some of the time I lost.” He took in a shaky breath, wiped his face and gave a short laugh to try and brighten up his words. “You’re everything to me, Keith,” His voice broke pitch, giving way to gentle tears. “You are all I could ever need, and I feel that so strongly that it- terrifies me. If you didn’t want me by your side anymore, I- God, I don’t think I could-“

“Shiro, shh,” Keith whispered, finally offering him a little solace after all that. “I’d like you to stay right where you are.” He smiled then, and Shiro prayed to God that he would never forget that image. As if to seal his words, Keith pressed that smile to Shiro’s, so soft like he would break if there was any more force behind it.

It was short and sweet, truly, but perfect. It felt like a kiss for lovers, or a couple. Soulmates, Keith dared to think, as stupid as the concept was to him. It was so cliche he could cringe, but there Shiro still was after all this time. He kissed him again pensively, holding tight to his shoulders. Yeah, he could get used to that. 

They watched each other for a long time, Keith wondering when Shiro would take back his words and Shiro trying to figure out if it would be too soon to ask Keith to bed. But, his back started to wail at him in this position, so he sat up and offered to help Keith do the same. Kosmo was suddenly there, supporting him as he stood. Keith, true to his nature, got up on his own, brushing off his signature jacket.

“Now what?” Keith mused, leaning back against the wall. Shiro was avoiding his eyes, most likely just trying to get a control on his bleeding heart. Though no one would catch Keith admitting it, that was the most eloquent, beautiful confession he had ever heard. Straight from a practiced movie script and ooey-gooey levels of sweet. Not to mention only for his ears, specifically for his ears. He stomped out the giddiness that was threatening to take over his whole body. 

Shiro looked up, apparently still zoned out. “Hm?” 

He needed a distraction. “You want to go for a drive?” Keith raised a brow, a smile just hinting at his cheeks. When Shiro’s eyes lit up, it was like a race to the hover bike to figure out who was driving. A race that ended up a little too competitive when Shiro was knocked on his ass after being tripped.

“Cheater,” He huffed, only somewhat dejected when he got up to dust off his jeans. 

“Not my fault you have long legs.” Keith countered, his foot revving the gas as Shiro climbed behind him. Normally, he would have griped about the lack of helmets, but he was feeling adventurous. And hell, he trusted Keith.

Shiro hummed, bemused. “Try not to throw me off.”

“More like you should try to hold on!” Keith blazed a trail across the sands, encouraged when Shiro tightened his grip around his stomach. Kosmo watched them disappear from the porch, then laid down in front of the door. He knew they’d be back eventually.

 

Day three of Shiro’s time off had started after the best sleep he had ever had in his life. He was pretty sure he had a boyfriend now too, not that they had called each other that. Regardless, said boyfriend had also taken him on a hover bike joyride, which had been a breath of fresh air. Ever since Voltron’s trip to Earth, Shiro hadn’t felt home. But screaming and taking a nose dive off a cliff with Keith in his arms on the back of an old bike? That felt like old times, like he was finally returning exactly where he belonged.

Even if he had actually been viciously thrown off during that stunt and Keith was now worrying his lip off that Shiro was going to bleed out from a few scrapes and bruises before they could get back to the house.

“I’ll be okay, look, my arm took the brunt of it,” he said for the second time, as if it would do anything to cool Keith’s jets. He hadn’t even parked; the bike thrown on its side in his rush to get Shiro to that god awful couch. He hated that couch.

“You say that all the time and you’re not okay-“ Keith growled, propping up Shiro’s worse leg on a box. He vaulted to his feet and was off to the bathroom. “Jeans off!”

“Is me being naked going to be the new norm here? Not that I’m necessarily complaining.” Shiro started stripping, folding his clothes over the back of the couch when he was down to his black boxer briefs. He then called after him, wincing when he heard a clatter. “Slow down, if you get hurt, then who’ll be my nurse?” As if to answer him because Keith didn’t, Kosmo laid his head on the empty ‘cushion’ next to him. “Oh, you would? You’re the best.” Shiro couldn’t resist petting him now and smiling. Keith had the best friend in the universe. He whistled and Kosmo was gone, then back again with Keith in tow. “Did you really just warp from your bathroom?”

“Yes. This is gonna sting.” Keith knelt down and started cleaning the various scrapes on his shins and knees with hydrogen peroxide, using a towel to blot at some of the blood. Shiro made an attempt to get a bandaid and Keith swatted his hand. “No bandaids until they’re all clean.”

Shiro sighed and slumped in his seat, dejected. If it weren’t for the little pains here and there, he probably would have been turned on by Keith’s gentle touches and caresses up his calves and behind his knees, over his thighs and ribs. That didn’t stop him from enjoying the attention though. Or giving attention to Kosmo, who was almost drooling over the way Shiro scratched behind his ears. 

Keith grumbled, “Stop spoiling him.” He yanked off a bit of dead skin that was still attached and Shiro flinched.

“But he likes it,” Shiro pouted, his tone almost that of a child. “Don’t you, Kosmo?”

“That’s not his name!”

“Then what is his name?” 

Keith glared and slapped a bandage to his leg. “I- don’t know yet!”

“Kosmo, my nurse is mistreating me.” He sighed, running his hand down the wolf’s back. 

Keith moved up his knee, grumbling again. “Is this payback for laughing at you?”

“Absolutely,” Shiro stated matter-of-factly. He flinched once more when Keith scrubbed the sand off his thigh, revealing what looked like intense carpet burn. That might take some time to heal, especially by the sheer size of it. 

“Great.” Keith groaned, over dramatic as ever. Shiro parted his thighs just enough to let Keith get a better angle with the peroxide. Keith noticed and nodded his thanks, seemingly calm about the whole ordeal. In reality, he was practically dying to just grab Shiro’s dick and tug him awake. He felt an intense desire to taste him, just a little, just to see what it was like to have him in his mouth.

Keith wanted to murder himself. Shiro was hurt and he was fantasizing about licking his cock. Correction, sucking his cock. 

He had seen porn before. He had seen how they did it, swallowing a length without any issue. And he usually skipped the scenes with oral sex, but here he was, starving to try it on Shiro. Shiro, who had confessed to him merely hours prior to this. It was not the time to breach the subject of going down on him. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

“Keith?” Shiro was leaning over just enough to be in range of a kiss. “You zoned out for a second.”

“Mm- y-yeah. Sorry,” Keith shook his head, patience. Patience yields focus. It was their mantra after all. He repeated it over and over as he patched up the rest of Shiro’s thighs, taking significantly less time than he had on lower areas. Shiro didn’t seem to notice, as he was already getting up and re-dressing. 

Keith had to excuse himself to the bathroom. 

Shiro’s fourth day of vacation was going to be interesting.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They’re having important conversations this chapter, and there’s lots of sleeping. 
> 
> Warning: PTSD symptoms, blood, drowning/choking mentioned

The fourth day of Shiro’s vacation started in the early hours of the morning. He found himself waking in the dark and freezing to death, clasping his arms close as a violent tremor overtook his body. He couldn’t remember where he was again, and he tried to fight off the panic rising in his veins, but it still swept him up like the tide. He was shaking out of fear now, feeling across the floor for anything to ground himself. Slick, hard metal answered him, frigid and unforgiving. It felt the same as his glowing inhuman arm. He wasn’t supposed to be here, he couldn’t stay here, the walls were closing in, dripping night at the seams. 

He tried to scramble to his feet but the chains on his ankles held him tight. He yanked at them and clawed at them with broken nails, then warm liquid was pouring out of his human hand, burning, searing pain and he could feel his skin sloughing off onto the floor, the room filling with his blood, all his blood. His metal arm was gone and the hole it left was gushing and he was drifting up in his own blood, trying to stay afloat, gasping and screaming and reaching for anything and then he was drowning. Dying. He was dying, choking. It was Zarkon’s hand clasped around his throat, holding him high above the ground as he could do nothing but struggle like an animal. The screaming continued until he had no air left, then his eyes were rolling back, not again, please-

“Shiro!”

Zarkon was talking to him. When had he learned his name? Wasn’t Zarkon dead?

“Takashi! Takashi-“

The clamps on his eyes let loose and Shiro was sitting up, eyes wide, coughing and gasping, reaching for his throat expecting something to be there. It was bare, only a little sore. He looked to his hands, turned them over under his eyes and watched his chest move with each breath he managed to take.

“Shiro, can you look at me?” 

A hand was coming towards his face. He flinched back and pushed away, starting up his rampant breathing again. He was being attacked again, he wasn’t free and there wasn’t anywhere he could go, but the hand stopped. He traced over it with his eyes, noting the pale color, dull nails. Human. He settled a little and rubbed at his face, then finally registered what was going on. He was with Keith. That was Keith’s hand, he was trying to comfort him, he was reaching out and Shiro had jerked away.

“Shh, Shiro, you’re safe,” Keith breathed softly, deeply, and Shiro tried to focus on that as his hand came forward. He sighed when the gentle fingers brushed past his cheek and immediately nuzzled into the firm palm. Keith gave him a smile then, and shifted closer, showing his other hand before adding it to the other side of his face. “I’m here, Takashi.”

He nodded and tilted forward just so, suddenly wanting nothing more than to hide in his arms. With careful movements, he shifted down to lay his head into Keith’s body. He didn’t want to sleep but he was so tired that he couldn’t fight it. His muscles didn’t have the energy to stand, let alone run from the nightmare. 

“Shiro,” Keith said, drawing him closer until his arms were tight around Keith’s form. He moved his hands just under the hem of Shiro’s shirt to draw circles on his skin, and was rewarded with a deep breath. Good. “I’ve got you,” he whispered, in between kisses to his hair. “You’re with me now, you’re here with me.” Shiro forced ever closer, though his grip slacked a little. “Sleep, baby... I’m not going anywhere.”

Finally, he let his consciousness slip, soothed into sleep by the soft hands on his body. It was the first time in months he had been able to sleep after waking himself up in the middle of the night.

 

Shiro woke up the second time slow, groggy and sore. On inspection, the digital clock on the nightstand read 12pm. Ugh. He began to stretch, reaching his arms up only to hit the wall on accident and wake up his partner. Keith let out a long yawn and nuzzled into the back of Shiro’s neck. Shiro couldn’t help the smile from coming to his face, surrounded by Keith’s warmth with his chest pressed into Shiro’s back and limbs holding tight to his body.

“Hi,” Shiro murmured, his voice low and scratchy, almost gone. He sighed hard, then readjusted slightly. Keith pressed closer, clinging onto Shiro’s heat. “Did I- wake you again after...?” His throat really hurt.

“No,” Keith grumbled, nearly unheard. He didn’t say anymore, so Shiro stayed quiet. He knew he owed Keith some explanations, but that would have to be after his voice returned. Maybe after sleeping some more. Keith kissed at the back of his neck lazily, pulling Shiro from his mind’s wandering. He moved and Shiro heard him rustling the sheets before he felt him; lips searching for his and he was more than happy to turn on his back so they could meet. Light, kind little fleeting things, covering his face and his neck, erupted into a heat under his skin that swelled with each touch. His smile was mirrored in Keith’s, as bright as the sun’s rays and twice as warm. 

“Thank you for sharing your bed again,” Shiro practically purred, running his hands over Keith’s t-shirt to straighten it. “And cooking last night. As well as making me turn in early. I owe you.”

“Yep. Now repay me with coffee.” Keith moved back and rolled off the bed, then made his way to the bathroom. Shiro’s eyes followed him with every step, unable to quell the fondness bursting in his chest. He was going to fall in love again every day.

After coffee and a shower, they sat across from each other at the table, enjoying a pleasant silence. Keith was playing with his phone, probably some new phone rpg. Shiro was thinking, trying to figure out what had brought on the nightmare in the first place. They had slept next to each other before and he’d slept like a baby. He knew most of his triggers, though he was always finding new ones. Usually, he didn’t have flashbacks or that vivid of nightmares without a trigger, and he couldn’t place one from the night prior. That was disconcerting at the least, if not totally alarming. How was he supposed to have any control if he couldn’t even tell when he was going to break apart?

“Trying to break that mug with your bare hand?” Keith flicked his eyes up from his phone screen, nodding towards Shiro’s fist wrapped around the ceramic cup.

He jerked his hand away like it was on fire. “Sorry. Just...thinking.”

“Thinking about what you want to do today?” Keith set his phone down, then folded his arms. “We can stay here, go out, visit whoever, whatever you want.”

“No idea.” Shiro drummed his fingers on his chin, pensive and lips quirked to the side.

“Think about that a bit. I’m going to walk Kosmo.” He stood unceremoniously, but paused to kiss Shiro’s head and hold him to his chest. “Love you. Be right back.”

Shiro caught himself giving that lovesick look again as Keith padded out of the house, wolf in tow. With a sigh, he whipped himself out of it, trying to focus on what Keith asked of him. He stretched his legs out and leaned his neck back, sort of wishing he had gone with them, since now it was just him and his thoughts. Sheesh, how clingy could he get?

 

Shiro decided he wanted to go out. Walk the streets of the city, visit the shops that had popped up over the past year. He always smelled delicious food whenever he left the Atlas, and was always pining after it like an unrequited love. Once Keith and Kosmo returned from their walk, Shiro was up and about, picking up trash and putting up dishes.

“You don’t have to do that-“

“I wanted to.” Shiro hummed, turning his attention to Keith. His stupid smile was contagious, and Keith was drawn right to it, into his arms. “Missed you.”

Keith flushed, averting his eyes. “I was gone like fifteen minutes.” 

“That’s too long,” Shiro whined, kissing across Keith’s forehead. “Will you take me into town today?”

Keith snorted. “You’re not a prisoner, you can take my bike anytime,” He blushed even harder at that.

“Okay.” Shiro beamed. “Will you do me the honor of accompanying me to the market, good sir?” He bowed with a flourish and kissed over Keith’s hand.

“You’re ridiculous,” Keith noted, letting out a breathless laugh. He arched his wrist and leaned into his hip, playing the part he was given. “Dear me, I’d be more than willing to attach myself onto your strong bicep and parade about the commons, my lord.”

Shiro’s eyes lit up and he laughed, deep and beautiful. Keith slid his hands up around his neck and leaned in as Shiro did, meeting in the middle with their grins. Shiro teased at his lip with his teeth, loosing a low growl that shot right up Keith’s spine. Shiro’s hands latched to his hips, bringing them flush as he wrapped his arms around the small of his back. He could stay like this all day and not say a word; Shiro’s warmth all around him and anchoring him to his body. He sighed pleasantly into another kiss, this time diving into Shiro’s mouth with tongue. When he felt Shiro grow against his leg, he backed off a little, averting his gaze. “S-sorry.”

“For?” Oh dear god, Shiro was on his neck now, breathing hot against the wet kisses he left in his trail downward. Keith unlocked his hands, letting them come down slow across Shiro’s pectorals. He wasn’t ready for this. Sex with someone who was drunk was feasible. Sex with someone who genuinely loved you was- not. Even though he didn’t want Shiro to stop, he backed up, red as his favorite jacket. Shiro flinched and worried his lip, confused. “Did I do something-“

“N-no, no, I-“ Keith stuttered, his fingers curling into the fabric of his shorts. “I can’t.”

“Can’t what?” Shiro tilted his head, staring deep into Keith’s eyes. He cupped his cheek and directed his eyes back up. “Talk to me.”

“I um. Well.” Keith was looking back and forth between Shiro’s eyes, but he found nothing he feared. That settled his stomach, but not his rampant thoughts. “Just, we should probably get going, you know, to the um. Where are we going again?”

“Keith,” Shiro took his hand and led him to sit down, rubbing a thumb over his skin. “If you don’t want to go further than kissing for right now, that’s okay. I’m sorry if you felt like I was- pushing you.” 

Of course he knew the exact words to say. He always did, and Keith envied that skill more than anything. He nodded silently, and squeezed Shiro’s hand as reassurance. “If I’m honest, I’m scared.” He let out a defeated sigh. “I know we- did it before but this is different. How am I supposed to act now? What if I’m not- good enough, in bed I mean-“

Shiro placed his hands along Keith’s jaw, firm in his grip. He kept eye contact, going terribly serious. Keith gulped. “Just be you, okay? You don’t have to change anything. You shouldn’t have to change who you are with someone that loves you. And I happen to love you very much, that’s for sure.” Keith’s little heart could not handle this. Was Shiro going to be like this all the time? If so, heart attacks were in his near future. “I only need you to be honest with me, okay? Tell me what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking. I will never judge you for that.”

Keith swallowed his pride a moment and fitted his fingers into Shiro’s. “I’m thinking that- I love you too, and that I’ve never loved anyone this much. It makes me feel Coran levels of crazy when I realize how much I’m thinking about you. And I can’t stop, and I don’t want to, and you- to think that you feel the same is pure insanity.” He closed his eyes, wondering if this trepidation was what Shiro felt yesterday when he made his bold confession. Except Keith was a mess where Shiro was well put together.

“Shiro I’m scared that- I’ll lose you again. I’m scared that this- this bliss will be short and I’ll be- alone, and waiting, searching. Again,” Keith paused and scrubbed at his eyes, daring the tears to come. “God, we’ve cried enough the past two days to last the year.”

“That’s okay.” Shiro’s brows lilted up, though his lips curved in a smile. He brushed his metal fingers through Keith’s hair, exceptionally gentle and opposite of the almost death grip on Keith’s side. “I’m- scared of the future too, Keith. But if you’re right, and our time together is limited, I won’t regret it. I will never regret any time spent with you.”

“I won’t either. Regret it I mean.” He breathed a bit easier then, his anxiety partially sated by their conversation. “Takashi?” Shiro’s heart swelled every time Keith called him by his first name. 

“Yeah?”

Keith pressed a kiss to his lips, then another, spurred on by Shiro’s hands going into his hair. Then he had to push against Shiro’s chest to get himself to stop. “Sorry, I need to- say something else, while I still have the capacity to stop myself.” He made a vain attempt to fix his hair that Shiro had destroyed in two seconds. “I want to have sex. Hell, we can- try after we go to the city but-“ He breathed through his nose as if it would quell the thrumming in his ears. “Besides what we did the other night, I’m- inexperienced. I mean I haven’t- put anything in and I-“ He sputtered for words and had Shiro fishing them up.

“I haven’t had anal sex either, if that’s what you mean.”

Keith suddenly felt his skin was on too tight. “...you’re kidding? You and Adam never-?”

“No, not like that, but we-“ 

Keith’s expression went from confused to horrified. “Oh my god I didn’t mean to assume that you- I just, ah fuck- I mean, we don’t have to do that, I’ll be happy with whatever you want to do Shiro, god, I’m sorry.”

He shut his babbling jaw and they sat in an uncomfortable silence. Shiro didn’t pull away though, and his eyes looked dilated. A bit darker, maybe?

“I would-“ Shiro swallowed. “I would love to try that. I mean, not today, it takes a lot of preparation. Not that that means we can’t do something today- or that we even have to, that’s totally up to you-“ Thank God Shiro was just as flustered as he in trying to talk about this. If he got serious again, Keith would have burst. 

With the mood a little lighter, Keith was finally able to finish his thought. “I want to- do stuff after we go out.”

“Stuff?” Shiro hummed, a mischievous look hiding in his eyes. “I’m going to need you tell me what that means.”

Keith picked up what he was putting down, curious as to how he could twist this in his favor. Be a tease, perhaps. “Okay, Takashi.” He slid a hand up Shiro’s knee and towards his inner thigh, barely shy of his need. “Let’s go out like you wanted,” He shifted onto his knees, taller than Shiro at this angle. He tilted his chin up as Shiro’s hands flirted dangerously low on his back. “Shop, get some dinner, whatever. And when we get back-“ Keith pushed a hand through Shiro’s hair and held his head to the side as he whispered against his earlobe. “If you’re good, I’ll show you what I mean.”

Shiro’s mouth watered as he went in for a kiss, but Keith climbed off the couch. He was grabbing keys and his jacket, headed to the front door. Shiro stared like a lunatic, still mesmerized by that short exchange. Keith smirked. “Coming?” 

Poor choice of words, Shiro noted. “Hopefully when you do.”

“Shiro,” Keith huffed, still wearing a smile. “You got me, I’m so beaten.” He feigned hurt with a hand clutching his chest. “C’mon, I’ll let you drive.”

That got Shiro up. He trotted to the bedroom to retrieve his socks, then joined Keith in putting on shoes. “I had hoped I’d be dressed nicer for our first date but this will have to do.”

Keith rolled his eyes. “You look great in everything. And I guess this is a date, huh?”

Shiro nodded, his smile spreading from cheek to cheek. “Aren’t I lucky?” The way his eyes just sparkled with pride made Keith feel like he was floating. He hid that behind a wave of sarcasm.

“Yes, because anyone would be lucky to be around the angry emo kid with the mullet.”

“Only if that means you, Keith.” Shiro was a murderer. An absolute savage in the art of flattery and word play, he was a cold blooded killer and Keith was his next victim.

 

By the time they found a decent parking spot nearby the main market stretch, the sun was headed down and Shiro was starving. He was quite literally following his nose, dragging Keith along behind him, to the bustling set of stalls around the corner. It reminded him a little of the space mall, except more humans and much more crowded. Thankfully, Keith reminded him to put on a backwards cap and his reading glasses as a simple disguise, and it also might have been Keith’s guilty pleasure to see Shiro in them. Keith had his hair tied back and the brim of his own hat covered much of his face, so hopefully this time they wouldn’t get crowded by strangers. 

Keith wasn’t really sure how Shiro managed to pick out the smell of ramen above all else, but there they were, waiting for some seats to clear at an Asian style noodle shop. Once seated at the counter, he acted like a kid in a candy shop, telling Keith about all the menu items in extensive detail, and how they reminded him of foods he had as a child. Keith laughed along and listened, having not realized how much time they spent talking until he was feeling starved himself. Shiro practically begged to order for him, and they ended up sharing a giant bowl. 

When Shiro broke apart his chopsticks, Keith copied him, but his splintered all across one side, so Shiro gave him his. When another pair was in Shiro’s hand, he picked at Keith’s, starting a chopstick fight for a particular piece of pork. Childish as it was, Keith gave into the madness and did his best, though lost to Shiro in the end. He cut the piece in half and offered a part to Keith, who gently took it from Shiro’s chopsticks with his mouth. His eyes sparkled like the stars, and he then proceeded to feed Keith the rest of the meal. A waste of his utensils, but Keith would humor Shiro ten times over if it made him smile like that.

“Shiro, you’ve got- hold still,” Keith swiped his thumb beside Shiro’s mouth to remove the little green herb that had nestled there. His hand lingered to caress his cheek, watching his whole face brighten. Shiro was leaning in and Keith was glad to accept his kiss, another to add to the list of his favorites. Salt on his lips, but still soft pressed against his own, holding tight as if he’d fade away.

“Thank you.” Shiro righted his posture, looking towards the street. “Hey! I didn’t know they had a book store!”

“Shiro? That you?” A familiar voice rang past them, then Matt and a small entourage pushed past the cloth hanging over the stall. “Shiro! Nice glasses.” The paladins got up from their seats, Shiro stepping up to hug Matt’s neck. Keith shook his hand, and Matt pulled him into a hug. Arms across the pair’s shoulders, Matt grinned. “And Keith! I should have known. You guys want to go with us to Fizz’s down the way?”

That place was known for dancing and Keith really did not want to show off how bad his moves were. Shiro caught the sudden death in his eyes and dove to his rescue, politely declining. “I want to check out some other shops before they close since I’ve never been down this way. Some other time?”

Matt sighed, a little off put but not dejected. “Suit yourself. Text me!” After a pat on the back, he was headed off with his friends, and both the paladins let out a long sigh of relief.

Keith spoke first when he was out of earshot. “Thanks.”

“I was being sincere,” Shiro stated, turning back to the counter to pay their bill.

“Wait, let me-“ Keith was too slow, the check was gone. “Didn’t even give me a chance.”

“Nope. Have to be quicker next time, hot-shot.” Shiro stuck his tongue out, and Keith copied him just as obnoxiously. “Ready?” Keith blew a raspberry at him. “Cute,” Shiro hummed, suddenly attacking Keith with kisses to his head. That had him smoldering, and out of it enough to be dragged to across the street.

To his surprise, Shiro bought a handful of novels after only checking the titles. Maybe the bookshelf in his office wasn’t merely decoration after all. After his purchase, he made Keith pick the next stop, which ended up being some kind of ice cream stand. Shiro again beat him to the punch with payment, and had Keith grumbling the whole time they sat and ate. Of course Shiro had to do some corny shit like swiping some of the sweet on Keith’s nose and shrugging it off when Keith made a stink about it. Petty as he was, he had to get him back somehow, which turned out to be an awful idea. He tried to wrestle the ice cream out of Shiro’s hand, and in turn made him dump it onto a kid behind them.

The next thirty minutes were spent with Shiro buying the kid her own ice cream and apologizing to the parent six thousand times. Keith tried his best not to fuss, and it got easier when Shiro was making faces to make the girl laugh, then putting her on his shoulders to point out the stars to her. He put his oversized cap in her head and made a show of tracing the constellations with her tiny fingers. The amount of cuteness in those minutes had Keith and the mother of the kid swooning, happy to sit and watch in wonder.

When they said goodbye to the mother and daughter, Keith decided it hadn’t been a total waste of time. Shiro turned back to him and took his hands, rotating Keith into a spin with a brilliant laugh. He blushed dark as he was twisted in close to Shiro’s chest, unable to take his eyes away for a second. Shiro flicked the brim of his hat up to see more of his face, checking the blush across his cheekbones. People were rushing past them in all directions and the noise was deafening, but in that moment when they shared another kiss, all he cared about was Shiro. The way the orange street lights reflected off his skin and how steady he stood, eyes practically shining down at him.

If only to break the spell, Keith pulled at his collar. “Let’s um, move on.” 

“Mmhm,” Shiro’s voice rang in a slightly higher tone as he split his fingers through Keith’s. “Lead on, babe.”

“Babe? Really?” Keith protested, but inwardly he kind of liked it. Though he’d be dead before he admitted that. “How about... this way.”

Parting the crowd once more, Keith tugged Shiro among several stores down to a sign that had caught his eye. Bright neon colors that could burn the retina, he was drawn in, even though the merchandise was of no interest. With a complaint or two, Keith yanked him out of that store and barreled on to the next merchant. Shiro started to say something about the crowd, but lost his words when Keith turned back towards him in a hilarious mask. Shiro tried on a few, tempted to buy the one with a black cat as inspiration, but Keith caught sight of something else down the way and was motioning for Shiro to follow.

He reached out and missed Keith’s hand by a sliver, catching air instead. Keith was still moving and he was pushing forward through the bodies, praying that he wouldn’t lose sight of him. “Keith!” He yelled, but someone yelled louder and drowned him out. He could see the top of Keith’s head disappearing along with his sanity. Not now. Please not now. 

Shiro’s breath turned short as he watched his hands start shivering out of control. There was a pain coiling up in his metal arm, tightening and burning in the empty space as he started to sweat out of fear and panic. The bodies kept moving, kept pushing him, like a hoard of broken prisoners being herded to their death. He didn’t want to die. He had to save Matt and Sam. He screamed for them, screamed for mercy, please don’t cut on me again. Hands were on him and crowding him and he was on the ground shaking and fighting them, losing his voice. The drones were taking him away, trying to yank him to his feet, force him to go, but he wouldn’t. He was sobbing and shoving them away, anything to escape, he had to run-

One was chasing him. Only one of them could keep up with him, and his greatest fears were realized when a hand caught his wrist and pulled him out of the fog.

“Sh...Shiro.” It was Keith, out of breath and squeezing his arm like a lifeline. “Shiro, please... it’s me, you don’t have to run anymore-“

Shiro stilled in silent acknowledgement, trying to remember where he was and what was going on. He had thought the flashbacks were on the way out, had thought he was gaining back control. Keith looking at him with a mix of concern and fear proved that he wasn’t.

“Keith I- I’m so sorry.” He hated it but there he was crying again. “I can’t believe it happened again. I don’t know what came over me, I was right behind you and then-“

“Shiro, it’s okay,” Keith took an extended, deep breath for both their sakes. “You’re okay now. We’re okay, I promise.” The smile he offered was sad, worried. It made Shiro angry at himself, doing this to Keith.

“No I’m- it’s not okay. I thought I was past these public- outbursts...”

“Your nightmares never stopped, did they?” Shiro shook his head no. “You’ve had one good night of sleep under your belt and the stress you’ve been enduring has been monumental. I’m not surprised you had another flashback, just- mad at myself for not thinking it could happen here.” 

“You can’t blame yourself for this, Keith-“ Shiro grasped his shoulder tightly as if to reinforce his point.

“Then you can’t either. Deal?” The softness in his eyes worked wonders on Shiro’s heart. After a calm silence, he nodded, putting his hand back in Keith’s where it belonged. 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” Shiro wiped at his eyes, still shaken but steady now in Keith’s presence. “Thank you for- this morning and- just now. I didn’t know that I could even get out of those episodes before today, so... that’s a positive I guess. I don’t know if they’ll ever stop, but I hope you won’t have to keep saving me.”

“I will as many times as it takes.” 

Those words were reassuring, and exactly what he needed to hear. He knew he wasn’t okay, but at least Keith made him hopeful that he could be. “Can we- go? To your house, I mean.”

“Sure,” Keith answered with a smile, leading Shiro again with a tight grip on his hand this time. “Want me to drive?”

“Yeah.”

 

After retrieving Shiro’s dropped purchases, they loaded up on the bike and started on the road. They had to stop for gas on the edge of town, then were off to the desert. Shiro was fighting sleep, exhausted by his violent memories from earlier. He gave up about halfway when Keith covered his arms with one of his, anchoring him when he dozed off. 

Kosmo trotted up to the bike to meet them, whining and nuzzling at their hands for affection. Shiro offered him a few minutes of attention once they got inside, plopped on the floor while taking off his shoes. Keith discarded his, then helped Shiro up, to the dismay of a cuddling wolf.

Keith followed behind him to the bedroom, crawling in beside him when he dropped himself on it. Kosmo joined right after, up on the bed as well to snuggle into Shiro’s free side. Keith reached across to scratch his ears, then found himself laying on top of Shiro as his arms closed around him. He tensed, surprised at first, but relaxed the longer Shiro held him. 

“I’m sorry about today, Keith.” His warm exhale tickled the hair at Keith’s neck. “You dealt with two of my- episodes completely in the dark.”

“I’m just glad I was there,” Keith rested his forehead against Shiro’s, his hands roaming down his arms. “Do you think it’s worse because of your conscious being in a new body?”

“Possibly...” he kept his voice quiet, hoping he could redirect the conversation. The last thing he wanted was to worry Keith more than need be.

“Have you been- enduring these since we’ve been on Earth?” Keith couldn’t hide the curiosity or concern etched into his words. If he was going to help, he needed as much information as he could get.

“Yes. Ah, Kosmo, that tickles!” He jerked his foot away from the wolf’s tongue, pushing his knee up into Keith, who then split his knees over Shiro in an effort to get more comfortable. Thankfully the wolf decided his toes weren’t that tasty and laid his head down again, leaving Shiro to focus on the weight on his crotch. When he opened his mouth, Keith was already asking him something else. Drat.

“You’ve been...suffering alone for months. How do you- how did they disperse when you were by yourself?” Keith found his grip tightening protectively, even as Shiro’s hands ran up and down his back.

“I’d- have to just let them run their course. Fight through my demons, I guess.”

Keith dragged his fingers lightly over Shiro’s cheek, tracing his scar with his eyes. “I didn’t realize your post trama was still- so severe. I should have- asked or, something. I didn’t even know you were still suffering until this morning.”

“Keith,” Shiro started, his tone warm and loving. “I didn’t say anything about it, there’s no way you could have known. I hadn’t wanted you to see it but- that ship has sailed.”

Then came the question Shiro dreaded to hear. “Why? Why hide it from everyone?”

His chest ached with the sound of pain in Keith’s voice. He rubbed his hands together over his face just to make some time to formulate his answer, then met Keith’s eyes. “Because of this, right here. You’re worried and scared and fearful and- I can’t make it stop.” His gaze drifted to his metal arm. “I hate being powerless.”

“You’re not, Takashi...” Keith kissed at his face until Shiro’s attention returned to his eyes, soft but heartbreaking. “Yes, I am worried about you, but I always have been, always will be. If you would just talk to me, talk to your team about this, then we wouldn’t be scared or afraid... I would worry less if you would open up more.”

“I’d rather not burden everyone I care about anymore than I have to,” Shiro closed his eyes, his hands going still at the small of Keith’s back.

“I can’t speak for everyone, but I can say that I’ve never thought of you as a burden. You’re not- in any way. If anything, anyone who knows you is blessed by that alone.” Keith kissed his temple. “Shiro, I’m desperate to help, but I can’t do that if you won’t talk to me.” Keith steeled himself, just in case Shiro didn’t want his help. “If you don’t want to tell me, there’s plenty of people who will listen.”

“You’re right,” Shiro sighed, and Keith copied him. “I’ll- go see Allura tomorrow, ask if there’s anything in Altean alchemy about this. But for now, I just want to hold you.”

“One last thing and then I’ll let you rest, promise.” Keith kissed at his hairline as some sort of apology. “If you wake up again, what should I do?”

Shiro tapped his fingers pensively. “Well, what did you do before? That seemed to work okay, I mean, you were able to- reach me.”

“I just said your name and talked to you.” Keith shrugged, dropping his face beside Shiro’s. He relaxed his weight into Shiro’s solid form as he stretched his arms and legs out. “I tried to say reassuring things.”

“That sounds fine. The only- advice I might have is to just be cautious. Maybe don’t- get too close, I may have punched a hole in a metal door once.” 

“That’s- yeah okay, got it. Don’t get punched,” Keith snickered, drawing a chuckle out of Shiro. “Should I go with you tomorrow? Or would you rather go alone?”

“I’ll just make a quick trip, pick up some clothes while I’m at it.” They both turned onto their sides then, shuffling about until Kosmo got the message to get off. He skulked off to the bathroom, then curled up in the tub to sleep. Keith would never understand why.

“Okay. You ready to sleep now or?” Still facing each other, Keith lifted his head so Shiro could wedge his arm between his neck and the pillow. Shiro yawned, which made Keith yawn, and then he was closing his eyes.

Guess he’d have to show Shiro his “stuff” another time.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a lot longer for this update! I had some trouble with this chapter, and had to change a lot. It’s pretty heavy; a lot of darkness and some fluff at the end.
> 
> Buckle your seatbelts friends.
> 
> Warning: PTSD, panic attacks, seizures, mentions of past death, murder, blood

Shiro found himself waking up soon after they went to bed. The bedside clock blinked on and off, like the power had gone out sometime after they laid down. He certainly didn’t feel like going back to sleep, so he decided he might as well get up and check the time elsewhere. However, Keith was attached to his back like a koala, snoozing soundly. It was endearing, and almost, almost, kept Shiro in bed. After a minute or two, he figured out a plan to slowly replace his mass with a pillow. By fate’s favor alone, he left Keith wrapped around his pillow with his undershirt draped over his shoulder. He leaned down to kiss Keith’s unruly mop of hair, then made his way to the bathroom.

The clock there used batteries, thankfully. Quarter past two. He took a long sigh and slumped next to the bathtub, finding solace in the cold surface against his back. Kosmo popped his head over the edge and licked at Shiro’s ear, startling him.

“Hi buddy,” He turned to offer some scritches under his chin, then behind his ears. Kosmo’s giant fluffy tail whapped back and forth as he tried his hardest to cover Shiro’s hands in kisses. “Sorry I woke you. I bet I ruined your good dreams. I’ll let you get back to them,” he said, moving to get up. As if in reply, the wolf snorted and rested his head protectively on Shiro’s shoulder, effectively trapping him. He didn’t have the heart to shrug him off. “O-Kay, never mind.” 

He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that. Instead of watching the clock, he was busy stargazing through the tiny window above them. It bathed the room with just enough moonlight to make Kosmo’s fur glow in brilliant blues. The docile wolf was still as a statue, eyes closed tight and headed for sleep. Shiro wished he was that talented.

Part of him had hoped sitting alone like this would clear his head. It helped to a degree, but nominal enough to let his worries slip through. He knew it was pointless to worry about things that might or might not happen, yet here he was, sinking into visions of another vicious attack on Earth, the paladins losing their families, Keith being loved better by someone else. He groaned and pulled his knees to his body and hid his face in his arms. You’re being ridiculous, Takashi. Get it together. 

His snuggle buddy seemed irritated by the movement and started licking his head again. He refused to quit until Shiro playfully pushed at his snout and uncurled. Kosmo perked up, immediately on his paws to do a little spin in the tub. He took the fabric of Shiro’s shorts gently as he could between his teeth and pulled him, nearly knocking him off his feet in the process. Kosmo was freaking strong. 

“Alright alright! I’ll humor you.” Shiro chuckled as the wolf leapt out of the tub only to throw his weight into Shiro, practically forcing him into the basin, refusing to stop until he sat back away from the faucet. He shook his head with a stupid grin before Kosmo leapt on top of him and impaled him with his feet. “Ugh- ow! Lay down, boy, you’re heavy.” As if to spite him, the wolf spun two circles, his legs like daggers stabbing his weight into Shiro middle before he plopped down across his body. He licked at Shiro’s chin before nuzzling beside his neck. 

“I don’t think this is going to help me sleep but okay.” Shiro ruffled his ears, then brushed them back with his fingers. “I appreciate the thought.” Despite being dense enough to repel water, his fur was exceptionally soft. A good distraction from his mind, to focus on petting him, running his fingers through all the layers. Having over 100lbs of space wolf covering him like a massive blanket wasn’t so bad after all.

 

Keith woke up around six AM to use the restroom. The hallway was black as death, but that made it easier to see the illumination from the bathroom door. It creaked when he pushed inside, but he ignored the sound. With a big yawn, he proceeded to the porcelain throne, waving off the large, furry mass in the tub. Once his business was done, he turned to leave, but quickly realized that the white tuft at the top of that pile in the tub was not a part of the usual configuration. The blue stripes outlined Kosmo, but the skin he could barely make out was Shiro, who was sleeping in the bathtub, with the wolf stretched out on top of him.

He bit his lip to stifle a laugh, but the longer he stared, the harder it got. Shiro’s head was leaned back onto the side with his mouth open, drooling a bit. He had his metal arm draped about Kosmo’s coat, with the wolf’s head pressed under his chin. His other arm was hanging over the side of the basin at the elbow, fingers just brushing against the tile. Keith had to get a picture if it was the last thing he ever did.

His Marmora training had prepared him for this exact moment. He had his mission; retrieve his phone from the bedroom without making a single sound and make it back to this location as quickly as possible. Keith had to be fast, since he didn’t know what kind of time frame he was working with. One mistake and that window of opportunity could disappear, never to return.

He didn’t know why he had been worried at all. He ran over the bedside table once he was back in his room, stubbing the shit out of his toe in the process, and making an excessively loud noise, but when he returned, nothing had changed. He got plenty of pictures, and even had time to set his phone background to his favorite, which was Shiro’s soft expression, free of creases and worry lines.

Keith was then feeling a little chilly and a little left out after that. He wondered if he could wake up Kosmo without bothering Shiro, and decided it was ultimately worth trying his luck. He made a few clicks with his tongue and the wolf’s ears immediately flipped towards the sound. Keith squatted down and petted his head. He whispered as quiet as humanly possible, “Can you warp us to bed?”

The wolf turned his head away, clearly irritated about being woken up again. 

“I’ll let you sleep on the bed for a week. Please?”

In a flash of blinding light, they were all back on the mattress, and Shiro hadn’t even stirred. How did a man that had so much trouble sleeping stay asleep through that? Regardless, Keith left Kosmo on top, finding a perfect spot pressed into Shiro’s side. He covered the three of them with a sheet and went back to sleep, cozy and happy.

 

Lady Luck woke Keith up when Shiro was leaving. No fur, so no wolf, and Shiro’s arm was slipping from his hands. He let out a low whine, pulling him back in vain. 

Shiro’s smile pressed into his cheek. “Sorry baby, gotta go. I’m meeting Allura in an hour.” His heat was gone then, and Keith went to his back up plan. He rolled and rolled in his sheet and blanket until he became a burrito, nice and toasty. Shiro had the guile to laugh a beautiful sound before he shut the bedroom door behind him. When he breathed, Shiro’s scent was all around him, and that was enough to settle his pining heart for now.

Shiro’s ride to the Atlas was uneventful. Not much traffic to contend with in the city, which meant he got there that much faster. To cut his nerves, he decided to head to his quarters for fresh clothes, since he had plenty of time before meeting Allura. They had a large council room freed until tomorrow, after agreeing to use somewhere else instead of either of their private quarters. Plus, the traditional part of Shiro felt that he shouldn’t be behind closed doors with anyone but Keith. 

He was dreading this, not because of Allura, but because the subject matter was to be his trauma. He hated the idea of digging up the past that he had so meticulously buried and roped off. He splashed water on his face to knock himself out of it. Focus on something else, anything else, and he just might make it through the day.

Allura was already waiting for him in the conference room, swiping through text on her holo-pad when he arrived. He would just have to pretend he didn’t see the words “how to help someone through PTSD” in the search tab before she swiped it away.

“Shiro! How is your vacation treating you?” She smiled brightly, getting up to offer a hug. He was happy to accept, hoping that the fondness they shared for each other would help him better voice his concerns. “Matt told me he ran into you and Keith in town. What fun!” She beamed, probably ecstatic that he was even out and about at all after the abysmal state he had left in.

“Yeah.” Shiro rubbed at the back of his neck, then pulled back a chair. His expression went solemn, but Allura would have been able to tell that by the tense shift in the air alone. She sat next to him, a reassuring hand landing on his shoulder. He would never get over how strong her grip was.

“Shiro, I know it’s not easy for you to ask for help, but I’m glad you did.” She smiled, ever bright. “That is the first step towards recovery of any kind.”

“I figured the first step for any Altean would be into a healing chamber.” They both chuckled a little at that, lightening the mood a tic. Shiro folded his fingers together, looking down at them, the scars on his skin pressed next to pristine steel.

After a minute or two, Allura moved her hand away to fold in her lap. She shifted her gaze off of him, noting how his whole posture relaxed when she didn’t have her full attention on him. With a sigh, she realized she would just have to close her eyes and open her ears. 

She broke the silence softly, voice barely above a whisper. “Whenever you’re ready, tell me about the dreams.”

Shiro filled his lungs with a long breath, then exhaled hard enough to blow the hair away from his forehead. He knew this would be hard, possibly harder on his brain than the actual events he was supposed to talk about. He reminded himself to start from the beginning, keep breathing, and he could get through this.

“The dreams, or more accurately, nightmares, started after I crash landed on Earth. I wasn’t really... acknowledging them then. My memory was still so dodgy at that point I couldn’t tell fact from fiction, so I did my best to, well, just bury it for the time being.” Allura nodded, eyes closed. “After we found the blue lion and- the castle of lions, you know most of that. Flashbacks that would hit me during moments of stress, during battles. I started having headaches around that time, at random intervals. After I- jettisoned Sendak into space, they got considerably worse. The nightmares got more frequent until almost every night I was waking up in a cold sweat or unable to sleep at all, for- fear of them.” Shiro clenched his fists, like it would do something to make this easier. He’d give anything not to have to admit to his weakness. His failures.

“I dreaded...every night that we were all apart in our rooms. It was so easy to be- myself around the team that I felt normal during the day and like a completely different person at night.” His eyes were on his hands, watching fingers curl and uncurl with each breath he took. “I can’t say if that feeling was real or not. For all we know, it could have been all part of the Druid’s plan to splinter me from the team.”

Her hand was on his arm again, his metal one. He sighed and closed his eyes. “When I fought Haggar, I saw him. I saw that other person, their tool, their Champion... After that fight, the only solace in my mind was when I was with Black.” Keith was her pilot now, but spending so much time within her conscious tied Shiro ever closer, and their bond couldn’t be broken even by death. Even so, Shiro had no desire to be her paladin again, just as much as she actively chose Keith over him. They both knew what Keith was capable of, and they both believed in him. Maybe that was why it was possible for their bond to even still coexist alongside Keith’s.

“She had a way of helping me stay calm, soothing the stress. But you and I both know that that didn’t always work. Sometimes I- lost control in fights, and I’ve had to be saved so many times, I don’t even think the title of damsel in distress would fit me properly.” He chuckled a little to mask the frustrated tears dripping down, then swiped at his face just in case Allura opened her eyes. “But I’ve been so incredibly lucky to have you and our team as friends. As...family. I definitely wouldn’t be here otherwise. I don’t know what I did to deserve this kindness, but I’ve been truly blessed. Thank you, for giving me another chance at life.” He did smile then, and Allura offered her hand, palm up. He took it to squeeze, searching her face for any kind of regret. 

She looked touched, not sad or regretful. Her eyes were practically glowing, shining in the bright light. “You’re welcome. I would be more than happy to assist you again. What is it Keith says? ‘As many tics as it takes’?”

“I didn’t know you knew about that. But yeah, something along those lines,” His face felt warm thinking of Keith, thinking that he was waiting for him. He had been away less than two hours and he was already itching to get back into his arms. He had it bad, but it wasn’t a bad thing at all.

“Shiro, May I ask you something?” Allura met his eyes, soothing as a Sunday morning drizzle.

“Go ahead,” he sighed, trying to keep his thoughts on Keith even though he was certain her question would redirect the conversation back to his baggage. But Keith deserved to have someone that wasn’t held down by their past, and Shiro would do anything to make that happen.

“Are your- nightmares and flashbacks worse now than before fighting Zarkon?” 

He swallowed dryly, wishing he had thought to bring water. Maybe after this he’d pick up Keith and they could go for dinner and drinks a lot stronger than just water. “Sometimes. Each day is different. Though recently, I’ve had- a lot of trouble. Not that I’m surprised; before this time off, I was- on the way down.” Before she could ask him to elaborate, he continued. “Avoiding sleep, barely eating, taking on...more than I could handle.” This wasn’t getting any easier.

“Yesterday I had two episodes. The last time that happened was before Zarkon. Before- the clone.” Fuck, he was about to say it, wasn’t he? What he didn’t want to admit more than anything, what broke his heart and tore his insides up the most. “I have his memories now. I can see all the time he spent with everyone and- he was- strong. He was a better leader, most of the time. He had no trouble sleeping or eating or worrying about trivial things. He was...an improved version of me.”

Allura bit her tongue. She wanted nothing more than to tell him how wrong he was. To tell him that the clone wasn’t him at all, except, they all fell for it. They had all believed it was him, their Shiro, when it wasn’t all along. She would have said something if that was the only thing holding her back, but Shiro needed this and she could see that in his eyes. She didn’t want him to break down or hurt like this, but he seemed to be telling her and admitting these things to himself for the first time.

He could see the doubt in her posture, the swirling pain and frustration they had endured from watching their friend turn on them. “Allura, don’t- blame yourself for not knowing. I don’t blame anyone except Haggar and her druids.”

“I know, however, you should not blame yourself, either.” Allura shifted in her seat then, wishing that could be the end of his suffering, but she had to press further. “Tell me about your time as a prisoner.”

The man sighed and stretched, rolling his shoulders to loosen up. He was feeling that familiar ache creep up the base of his neck, to spread its tendrils across the back of his head. He popped his fingers and shook his head, telling himself he was not going to have an attack now. Not when Allura was trying so hard to listen and help him, spending time out of her busy day. He coughed to clear his throat, each muscle of his body straining as he begged them to relax. The effort did just enough to release his windpipe, and finally allowed him to answer her.

“They dragged me away from Sam and Matt, and left us in cramped cells for days. I was so desperate to hold onto my sanity that I scratched the days into my arm. I don’t know how long that went on, the quiet darkness bouncing off every wall until it was defeating. They barely fed us until the day Matt and I were shoved to our feet and crowded into a space with other prisoners. Herded like cattle to the slaughterhouse, to fight in the arena. We watched three prisoners be mutilated before they were poking at Matt. He was- frozen with fear and I just panicked. That started up my acting career- jumping at him like an animal, injuring him, hoping to god that he’d be sent with his father or sent to labor instead of the- bloodbath ahead of us. It worked somehow, and they threw me in, instead of him. Threw me in to die in front of thousands for sport, entertainment.” He rubbed his face in his hands again, steeling himself for more words he never intended to share. 

“I beat their executioner. But that wasn’t the end. No, god, if only- it had been.” He clenched his jaw, and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see Allura’s expression as he continued. “They made me their Champion. Made me- take his place. That was when the torture started; when they set me in armor and dropped me in the pit, I refused to fight. They threatened my life, and I was still able to refuse. Then they threatened Matt and Sam, promised to murder them if I didn’t- do as I was told. That’s all it took. I couldn’t- the Holts are like family, and I, I-“

“Shiro, you saved them,” She smiled slightly, tracing small circles in his palm to distract him. “They’re okay now.”

“But at what cost?!” He yelled, slamming his fists against the table. He nearly flipped the damn thing over with his force. “The aliens- the people I killed-“

Allura shook her head, unbelieving. “Shiro, you didn’t-“

“I did, Allura! I- I murdered them!” He pulled at his hair, his skin, trying anything to pull himself out of the memories that were crashing down like an unstoppable flood. “Innocents- I mutilated innocent prisoners with my bare hands- what right did I have to choose Matt and Sam over the countless lives I took-?!” Her expression softened, not shocked anymore and it disgusted him. She should be screaming, furious, scared or something. Anything. Not forgiveness.

“I’m sorry... Shiro, you-“

“Don’t fucking say I didn’t have a choice,” he couldn’t look, he couldn’t think, he was losing control. His thoughts were spinning out of control in the vortex, screams of his victims and their cries in an alien language falling on deaf ears. “Don’t try to tell me that I did what I had to do to survive-“ 

“Shiro, are you trying to punish yourself for what you did?” 

“No, I mean, maybe, I don’t know-!“ All he could do was push down the sounds, the begging and pleading of those forced to be his opponents, but he wasn’t winning this match. They were getting louder, like nails scraping down the sides of his skull. Hands hitting at his shoulders and then going still as he watched the life slip out of their eyes, drinking in the smell of blood and fear. Cheering and jubilation would envelop him, wipe away what he had done; it was all a gross effort to lift up their bastard Champion, push him closer towards the sick, bloodthirsty beast that they insisted lurked within.

“In your visions, are you in pain? Dying?” She didn’t know it but her words helped a little to bring his mind back around. “Still hurting?” Her hand on his arm, that was tactile, real. He nodded, afraid if he said something it would just be a scream. The silence that followed kept being broken by his harsh breaths, sucking in through his teeth like it would be his last, like they were waiting to take it away from him. He bit the inside of his mouth to draw blood, to focus back on the task at hand. He had to keep talking, had to tell her the whole truth.

“I was a monster before they even cloned me. A killer, living on- adrenaline from fight to fight, like a- like a rabid animal. Starved and sick, feeding on pain and their weakness, their will to live that I had already lost-” He tore at his skin in an effort to pull his brain back to the present, remember where he was. Conference room. Earth’s ship, the Atlas. “Then it was... needles and drugs and surgery, sensory deprivation tanks-“ He had to stop before he lost control and lashed out, covering his head in his arms and shaking. Every time he blinked, he saw their masks, their clawed hands forcing him down, choking him, breaking him- he was hyperventilating then, and Allura tried to touch his back to comfort him. Her fingertips barely brushed his shirt before he snatched her wrist, eyes dripping with fear and rage before he jerked his hand away.

“I-I’m so sorry, I-“ He sputtered with his words, gasping for air and trying his damnedest just to focus on now. Breathe. Slow down. Push the memories down. Down, down, further. Patience. Breathe. Fuck I can’t. I can’t, I’m losing it. I’m losing myself.

Allura didn’t know what to do except try to use her knowledge of alchemy. Maybe she could soothe him through his conscious. She wished he had brought Keith like she asked, since according to his texts, Keith had helped him through these a couple times.

“Shiro, I’m going to place my hands near your head, okay?” She spoke with authority, and he did actually respond with a nod before she did so. Closing her eyes, she tried to join her mind to his, make his pain visible to her so she could section it off temporarily. When he screamed and whined, she drew away from him, thinking she had hurt him as he doubled over and fell out of his chair. “Shiro!” She kicked her own chair back and tried to grab his arms, but that made his shaking worse, made him cry out again. He just about threw her with one arm, as his metal one falling with a loud ‘clang’ against the floor. “Shiro, it’s Allura, please-“ He didn’t react to her voice, or to waving her hand in front of his eyes. 

The commotion pulled someone over from the hall. “Everyone okay...?” The door slid open and Hunk appeared. Thank the stars. 

Allura, hair mussed and in clear distress, supporting Shiro’s head as he tossed it back an forth, eyes blown wide and bloodshot. “Hunk, Shiro’s having an attack, I can’t stop it-“

“Okay, Okay, stay with him, I’ll get help!” With an about face, he ran off, hopefully to get a med tech or on site doctor. Allura wondered if anyone could even do anything at this point; Shiro was writhing and twitching, having seizure like symptoms. She didn’t know anything about that, only to push furniture away and hold a hand under his head to keep him from injuring himself. 

Every tic felt like another step into the dark. She tried not to panic, unable to touch him other than the hand behind his head without him flinching or fighting her off. She leaned back to feel around, the tips of her fingers barely catching on her holo pad. Once in her hand, she dialed Keith.

Keith answered in record time, like he knew something was up. “How’s he-”

“Keith, we need you here, please, Shiro’s unresponsive-“ She had done her best not to let her emotions get the best of her but seeing Shiro like this, in so much pain, feeling helpless, the fear just cut right through her tone. “Please, Keith, I-I-“

“On it!” He whistled loud into the receiver, most likely for his wolf. “The Atlas? Where?”

“Third deck, room 391. Hunk went to get a tech but-“

“Just stay with him, I’m coming,” Keith sounded relatively calm, but his blood was racing. Thankfully, the wolf he hailed appeared at his feet in record time, perhaps sensing the distress. He hung up his phone, tossed it in a pocket, then grabbed onto Kosmo’s fur.

“Can you get us to the city? Or the Atlas? Shiro’s in trouble-“ Before he could say anymore, a white flash blinded him and they were thrown through space and time, different from his usual warps. It was an extensive distance, probably more than he had ever done, but there was no fear or doubt in the wolf’s body language. 

They landed with a crash just inside the ship’s docking station, scaring the shit out of some poor deckhand. Papers went everywhere, and as much as Keith wanted to help, he had to get to Shiro. He kicked his heel into gear and sprinted with his hand on Kosmo’s back, the wolf keeping pace. 

“Sorry! Emergency, make it up to you later!” Kosmo skipped him through the mess, and they were up the ramp on the way to the elevators. He yelled apologies at several people before they slipped into one. Apparently, Kosmo deemed it too slow, and warped them up instead, straight to the door of the conference room. “I owe you everything, buddy. Take a rest,” he ruffled the wolf’s ears and rushed inside. He’d question him later about his strange accuracy.

Shiro laid flat on the floor, Allura with her hand under his neck. His expression looked like pure terror and Allura mirrored it, but he could sense a hint of relief.

“Keith?! How did you-? Never mind, his seizure stopped just a second ago but I still can’t get through to him-“ Allura pushed back, letting Keith kneel down at his side instead. 

“Shiro,” he spoke softly, trailing his fingers down the side of his face. His hands were trembling, doubting that he could do anything to help now. He was so pale and so worn next to Keith’s skin. “I’m not giving up on you, Shiro, come back to me-“ He growled to keep himself from crying as he pulled Shiro towards him. “Takashi, I’m here, it’s Keith, please...”

He was blinking and breathing at least, that was a good sign. Allura didn’t know what kind of bond this was but it was amazing to see Shiro just accept him even in this state. It had to be connected to the black lion somehow.

They both watched in wonder as Shiro shifted, his eyes closing. “Allura and I are with you. You’re safe, I’ve got you.” Keith took one of his hands to stroke over his knuckles, which had Shiro curling into himself just so. 

When the door opened again, Hunk was followed in by medical personnel, stepping aside to let them pass. Keith backed off but kept Shiro’s hand as the two techs checked for his pulse and shined a light in his eyes. One of them was taking notes in a holo pad while the other examined his extremities for any trauma. Then, they were holding the holo pad over him, slowly moving it over his body in a scan. The three paladins were stiff with anticipation, sharing scared looks in the quiet space, waiting for the bad news that was sure to come. 

One of the techs lowered her face mask, turning to Keith. “His vitals are settling, and he may have suffered some minor bruising, but otherwise he’s physically fine.” The whole room sighed in relief. “From what your friend has told me, he had a panic attack that turned into a pseudo-seizure, is that correct?”

Allura nodded. “Yes, we had- been discussing his past trauma, and I have no doubt that triggered him.” Before she could apologize and blame herself, Keith interrupted.

“What can we do?” His eyes were laser focused on Shiro’s face, zeroing in on his lips when they twitched a little. He squeezed his hand.

The tech who did the scan spoke now, after finishing his report. “It seems to stand that Captain Shirogane is suffering from severe post traumatic stress. Unfortunately, even a healing pod wouldn’t be able to help with that. My suggestion is counseling, a licensed therapist, and time. Some TLC definitely wouldn’t hurt.”

His partner nodded, turning her attention back to their patient. “I’d suggest someone else drive him for a while, keep possible triggers to a minimum. Otherwise, every case of PTSD is different. What helps him through attacks may not help someone else, and vice versa.” 

Keith found his expression scrunching up, begging his eyes not to betray him. He was not the victim here, there was no reason to cry. This wasn’t Shiro’s fault. He covered Shiro’s hand with his own, noting the steady pulse at his wrist. He could faintly hear Hunk and Allura thanking the EMTs for their assistance, but his focus was on the warm hand enveloped between his. He whispered, only to himself. “I’m so sorry.”

 

Shiro was so tired of waking up confused, eternally frustrated that it took an extra thirty minutes for his memories to return. He pushed the duvet down to his waist, and sat up against the pillows. His head was throbbing, his body sore like he had been in a fight. He caught the smell of coffee, but it was clearly dark outside through the little window above his bed cubby. 

He wasn’t sure how he got here. Someone had to have carried him, since he remembered passing out on the floor. After a panic attack, while he was talking to Allura. Did he hurt her? Please, god no.

“Hey.” Keith’s gruff voice pulled him back, snapped his attention to the gentle expression laid on him. “Coffee?” 

“Please,” Shiro sighed, gladly accepting the mug he was handed. There was whipped cream and chocolate syrup on top, slowly melting into the beverage. He grinned at his guilty pleasure, wondering how Keith had remembered he liked sugar after all this time.

“Scoot,” Keith lifted his leg and prodded Shiro in the side with his toe, making him laugh and forget all about his past for a minute more.

“Only if you’ll sit with me,” Shiro grinned, shimmying over against the wall. There was barely enough room to fit two people, let alone grown men, but he was sure they’d manage. 

“That’s the idea.”

In a grey tank top and hair pulled back in a loose mess, moonlight brightening up his pale skin, Shiro couldn’t imagine him more beautiful. He curled his knees up to his chest, settling his own purple mug on them. Black pajama pants hung across his hips loosely, giving Shiro a glimpse of skin. His bare feet peeked out at the bottom of his form, toes tapping on the sheet. Keith quirked an eyebrow, catching him staring. 

“I can practically feel you gushing over me. Stop,” he hid behind the mug, taking a tentative sip.

“Why? You’re absolutely beautiful,” Shiro closed his eyes and pressed his nose to Keith’s hair. “Every time I look at you, I fall in love again.” He leaned down just enough to kiss his cheek, smiling into the press of lips to skin.

Keith flushed shoulder to shoulder, his eyes lost in the cream on top of his coffee. “How shallow of you, Takashi Shirogane.”

Shiro slipped his fingers around Keith’s chin to meet his eyes, colors of the night sky swirling around his pupils. “Dearest Keith, do you need me to tell you all the things I love about you, to convince you my adoration is everything but shallow...?” Keith’s face burned, desperately trying to think of a way to worm out of this trap. “I think you do,” Shiro set his cup down on the headboard so that both his hands could thread into Keith’s hair.

“Your eyes hold the keys to my whole universe.” Shiro moved in to kiss over his eyelids, one, two.

Keith snorted, eyes still closed. “Plan to bury me alive with corny lines?”

“Possibly, if that’s what it takes.” Shiro smiled then, thumbing over his cheek. “Nothing that has happened in my life compares to when you smile.”

He felt something in his chest drop, unable to stop the bite in his tone before it was already out. “Even Adam?” The arm he was pressed into flinched, Shiro’s bicep going taught. Keith immediately regretted those words, wishing he could take it back. 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, a dread setting into his bones like thick fog.

Shiro shook his head, somehow keeping a smile on his lips. His eyes were dim, full of sorrow as he turned them on Keith’s. Shiro was pushing off the covers with his feet, then placing his hands about Keith’s face and neck, practically trapping him. He started to speak, but Keith brought a hand to his lips.

“That was- uncalled for. You don’t have to talk about him now, you just- had a severe attack earlier today and... I know you’re tired,” he pleaded with his eyes, hoping Shiro would let it go until later, until he wasn’t at such high risk for another panic attack. Unfortunately, Shiro carried a very similar stubborn streak to someone he knew.

“You’re with me. I’ll manage.” With his legs crossed, he sat and faced Keith, holding his free hand. His eyes were vibrant, warm and full of life, tracing the veins of his hand. “I loved Adam,” he started, softly, a feather in the wind. “I didn’t wish ill on him, even after our breakup. I hoped for the best, that he would be happy- I never wanted...” He paused, looking up to Keith as he nodded. “I moved on from him a long time ago, but, I still cared about him. There was a part of me that wanted to see him when we got to Earth.” He squeezed Keith’s hand then, fighting off tears he didn’t have.

“Selfish or not, I wanted him to see Voltron. My friends. My family,” His smile was sweet as honey, even if there was a bitter aftertaste. “Show him that leaving Earth was the best choice I ever made.” 

That irritating something in Keith found a spot to settle. Hopefully it would stay soothed for a time, maybe long enough to not come off as a selfish ass until they finished this conversation. He found a spot to deposit his coffee cup and wiggled his fingers into Shiro’s, expression soft. He bit his lip to fight back the insecurity rolling about in his head, to finally answer the space between them.

“You don’t have to justify yourself to me, Shiro. You shouldn’t have to- to anyone.” He took a deep breath, filling his lungs to expand his chest. “You’re perfect just the way you are.”

Shiro frowned then, shaking his head. “I’m everything but perfect, you and I both know that. Hell, I went catatonic earlier today to the point that my arm disconnected.” He paused, only to gather up the courage to continue. “I could have seriously injured her.” His fingers found Keith’s mark across his cheek, the memory vibrant and horrifying in his mind of pressing all his strength down into the vorpal blade, close enough to sear his skin. “I already tried to kill you once while I wasn’t in my right mind, and I can barely live with myself. If I were to hurt you again-“

“That wasn’t you, and you know it,” Keith interrupted, his grip turning hard. Fear was floating up to the surface when it shouldn’t; thinking of the moment that gave him nightmares and make his stomach churn. “You would never hurt me.”

His eyes softened up, training on Keith’s when he looked away. “I don’t want to. Ever. But what if-“

“No, uh uh, stop right there,” Keith let out a long breath, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. “I know what you’re thinking and it’s not happening.”

Shiro cocked his head to the side, brows knitted together. “What’s not happening, Keith?” There was an edge to his voice that he didn’t mean to have. 

“You’re going to say that you’re dangerous. That you shouldn’t be around me, that you’ll injure me. That we should put space between us, back off from this, whatever it is.” His expression looked torn, lips pulled into a grimace but eyes that could kill. He shook his head, little strands coming undone from his ponytail, whisky little things. If the conversation hadn’t been so intense, Shiro would have appreciated them more. “Shiro, If you... really do need space, I can’t stop you,” his breathing turned shaky after that, “I want to be by your side, but if that’s suffocating, I’ll- back off. I just...want you to know that I love you and that it’s... okay for you to need me. It’s okay to ask for my help, I want you to.” He wiped at his eye, brushing away a tear as he settled a hand on Shiro’s jaw. “I promise, you don’t need to shoulder all this alone, you don’t have to.”

He tipped his head to rest his lips against Keith’s palm, kissing into his skin. His hand was warm and gentle on his face, clearing a bit of the smoke on his mind. He couldn’t push Keith away even if he wanted to, not when he couldn’t hardly breathe without him. The sheets moved and shifted as he pressed forward into Keith’s personal space, hands balanced on either side of his body. Keith whispered something that passed right over Shiro’s ears, lost among the lips consuming his own. 

Heat bloomed underneath Shiro’s fingertips rising up Keith’s middle, slow and deliberate but still enough for Keith’s mind to drift to other possibilities. He let his hands drift around and down Shiro’s shoulders, feeling them relax under his touch with each caress. Their kiss continued, simply, breathing through their noses and only breaking to meet once again, vulnerable and pliable in the wake of each other. Shiro flinched when Keith went for the hem of his shirt, apologizing with his eyes as those same hands only rested on his hips, drawing patterns into the small of his back. A hand pitter-pattering at his toes had Keith laughing, blowing air against Shiro’s bright smile.

Shiro’s voice vibrated through his chest into Keith’s as he whispered against his cheek, “I don’t deserve you.” 

Keith kissed at his jaw, echoing his words with a shake of his head. “Shiro, I don’t deserve you.”

“Can we continue not deserving each other together?”

Keith snorted and closed his eyes, nosing his way into another kiss. “Yes. For sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a tumblr and a discord if anyone has questions or wants to discuss Sheith :3  
> Discord: wolftank462#7578  
> Tumblr: wolftank462

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Love any kudos or comments. =^.^=
> 
>  
> 
> If there are any mistakes, like grammar or continuity, PLEASE tell me. I reread it all the time but I still miss stuff. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed my work!


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